Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Reality

I have determined that as I add babies to my life, my anxiety and OCD worsen. Not drastically, but a noticeable increase. When I was pregnant with Lula Mae I had this thought in my head that having her would be rejuvenating, healing almost. I imagined that once she was born I would not be so obsessive and afraid. I was wrong. Then, when Jayce was born, it worsened more. The things I began to obsess and worry about were deeper than they ever had been. My heart will race, my stomach will turn, my head starts to hurt, my arms feel shaky, I begin to get antsy, I start to feel flush, I feel physically sick. On the outside I am not sure you can really notice, but on the inside I am screaming.

I feel as though my good days out number my bad, but it does not make the bad days any better. I pray day in and day out that my fears and obsessions will not burden my family. I don't want to hold them back and keep them from a "normal" life. My mind is always racing. There are days where it is so bad I can't make myself leave the house. I can't leave because I am worried that something terrible will happen to me or one of my children. I feel imprisoned by fear and anxiety. What will happen when we have another baby? Or two more? Or how ever many more God chooses? Will I be buried a live by all the fear and anxiety? Will I ever be normal?

Will I ever be able to... pump gas without thinking that it will explode? go on a cruise with my husband without worrying that the boat will sink and I will drown? get on a plane without thinking that it will crash? let my children enjoy playing in a pool without worrying that they will drown in front of my eyes? let my children walk trough a store without thinking that someone is following us, just waiting to grab them and I will never see them again? stop thinking that my children will sneak out of their Sunday school classroom, make it outside and get hit by a car or be kidnapped? fall asleep without thinking our house will catch on fire and I won't be able to get to my babies to get them out? stop worrying that someone will break into my house and hurt my family? This is really just the tip of the ice burg, unfortunately.

I never once have prayed for God to take these things away from me. He made me perfect, so they are there for a reason. God's word says over and over again that I have nothing to worry about. I am glad of that. Before I was saved, my fears were worse (if you can even imagine). God is working on me and He will never stop. So perhaps, someday, all these things will disappear. Scripture helps me make it through each day. Some days it helps more than others, but it always helps. Satan wants to win this battle, but I am determined not to let him. I have complete faith in God and his promises. All these fears and anxiety help me remember how dependent I need to be on Him. If that is the only reason they are there, I am okay with that. Each day is different, but they are all a blessing!

5 comments:

Tiffany said...

Oh my goodness friend! I had no idea! I am so sorry I teased you about coming to CO. I had no idea what that would entail for you.

I have walked through fears, but nothing to the consistence and depth that you describe. My heart hurts for you. Know that I am praying. Praying that someday, you will be able to look back and remember this time, but the edges of the memory will be fuzzy with time. That God will heal you.

Regina said...

I understand where you are coming from Amy. I have battled with my OCD for over 15 years. Having the children definitely intensified it. I pray everyday, I praise God, I cope. If you ever want to talk more please call or email me. Soon I will be back to SC and we can have some sweet tea and I could tell you some things that help.

Rachel said...

You've just written about the greatest parenting challenge!

I think my fears increased hugely when I had Itty Bit and realized that all those things I feared for myself, were far worse if I worried about them happening to HIM!

I have to consciously give up those immediate worries to God. There's so much more to add to this, but I know where you're coming from and am praying for you.

Lauren said...

Thank you for being so honest Amy. I also struggle with fear quite a bit. Many of the scenerios you gave our thoughts that I have had before too. I just want you to know that I'm praying for you and you have a mighty God who is able to free you from your fears. I found this message today and I thought you might find it encouraging:

http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/resources/holy-women-who-hoped-in-god

HeatherOz said...

*Big Hugs*
Hang in there!