Thursday, September 27, 2012

Heart Issues

People say babies are hard. I think they are crazy.

You feed them, you change them, you rock them, you keep them warm and make sure they get lots of sleep. Repeat. Love, love, love them.

How is that hard? I even had a particularly difficult second baby and I still felt like a good mom through his first year. I could calm him down, I could get him to eat, I could get him to sleep, I could make him smile and laugh. I felt like a good mom.

Now, at this point in my life, I don't feel like a good mom.

Toddlers and preschool aged kids are hard. Want to know why? Because now I am focused on their hearts. It is no longer me just worrying about their basic needs.... now the real work begins. And I feel like I am failing them.

I am not the example of Christ that I want to be. Not even close. I want so badly to show them Jesus through my life but I fail

I stay home more often than not, because I barley have control of my kids. In my home I feel such little respect and it is a very belittling feeling. I feel like I am slowly fading away right in front of my children.

How do other moms have it all together? Or how do they make it look like they have it all together? How do other moms deal with their kids hearts? I am drowning!

Bottles and blankies and pacifiers were so easy. Heart issues.... NOT SO MUCH!

I miss the feeling of being a good mom. I really, really miss it. I want my kids to seem happy and loved, but unfortunately I worry that they are feeling neither of those very basic things. *my brain is mush.... complete mush*

My only hope right now is that God is being glorified through this very trying stage. 

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

The One In Which I Beg For Your Help

Help me to help them.... I am so close to selling my kidney to get this money folks so do me a favor and pray about how you can help. We have a private facebook group with 140 members on it. Did you know that if each of those members gave $30 we would raise enough money for baby O? Thats one dinner out (if you drink water and don't get an appetizer or dessert), its a new shirt, its a few mornings a week missing your Starbucks. I don't want you to give because you feel obligated, I want you to give because God leads you to! I want you to pray for Esther and Scott. I want you to pray about how you can help. I want you to think about what love really is. I want you to love these two people the way I do. I want you to love the Lord!


I also really need a favor from all my bloggy buddies. Could you please do a post on your blog with this widget? Can you tell your blog readers about our story and pass this on? I would owe you BIG TIME if you did that for me! Like BIG TIME!!!! ! 

We are pressing forward people! Get excited!

We will also be selling t shirts to help raise money, but that is taking time to get set up so please be patient with us :-) 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Surrogacy Update: The One I Wish Was Different

This journey has brought me so much joy, more than I can adequately express with words.

This journey has also brought me such heart ache.

My flesh is mad.
My flesh is devastated.
My flesh wants to question God.
My flesh can't understand any of this.

My faith has grown stronger.
My faith has learned to trust God's plan above my own.
My faith has stretched and pulled me in a million directions, keeping me strong when I felt as though I should be in shambles.
My God never fails.

On September 4th, right before I laid my babies down for nap, I took a pregnancy test. I left it there, thinking nothing of it. Then I got a message from my husband "so did you poas today?". I laughed. Then I went back to toss the test in the trash.... and there was that line. That second, faint little line. I called my husband and told him the news. We questioned to call E, but thought we should wait. After holding the news for 2 days I had to tell her! It was eating me alive. I felt so bad that she and her husband would never have that "sweet moment" of finding out they were pregnant so I thought and thought about how to somehow surprise them with this wonderful news. Of course, I took a neat picture.... thats just what I do.... and I sent it to her. The next few days I was praying for symptoms to start coming on so that I felt "pregnant" and could breath a sigh of relief. I wanted to be throwing up and so tired I could not keep my eyes open. I told myself that this pregnancy would just be more like my sons where I had zero symptoms, but yet I was still on edge.... so ready for my blood test to tell me I was in fact pregnant. The morning of the test we were on our way to Disney World for our family vacation. I walked into that office positive that my numbers would be high enough that E would feel ready to post our results to all of our friends and family. Hours went by and no phone call... we all were wondering how long it could possibly take! Then that familiar number popped up on my phone and I was so excited, ready to hear those amazing words "you're pregnant!". When I answered and heard Lindsay's voice I knew something was wrong. She finally got out the words "it was negative".... my heart sunk and I felt as though I had just been hit by a train. My first reaction was "the test is wrong, I got a positive test a week ago! Run it again!". The denial hit fast. Then she explained how they were sure it was right and that I had lost the baby. I had lost their baby.

Devastated does not do justice to how I was feeling at that moment.

I was so confused. How could I get a positive test and the blood test was negative? God knew this would happen, and He planned it that way. I knew that, but could not grasp that at this point.

My husband and I lost our first baby, Taylor, and it was devastating. I can tell you, losing someone elses baby is unfathomable.

I prepared myself for a negative and I prepared myself for a positive. I did not however prepare myself for losing their baby so swiftly after having him nestle into my womb. For 7 days I was pregnant. I got to feel like God's vessel for 7 blissful days. For those 7 days I imagined my belly growing bigger, explaining this act of service to my children, preparing for the birth.... I imagined how wonderful the moment would be when they placed that baby in E's arms.

Those negative results robbed me of all of these things. It took away so much from my precious friend and it made me ache for her. Even though I know this is not my fault, I am struggling to truly believe that. I keep wondering what I did to mess this up, what I could have done different. I have lots of things I need to work through, the guilt is for sure the biggest.

I look at my kids and wonder why God picked me... why am I so blessed with fertility? I am humbled by this experience in so many ways. There are couples who go through this devastation month after month, year after year. I am overly blessed and take my fertility for granted day after day.

I only find joy in Jesus. He brings me Joy. Knowing that he is holding this sweet baby in his arms brings me joy. knowing He gave me 7 days to hold that blessing in my womb gives me great joy.  Sweet Cheerio may have been their bundle, but he was certainly my joy!

Continue to pray for our journey because although this chapter is coming to a close, there is a new one on the horizon. The Lord knows what is to come and I am grateful to be apart of this amazing experience!

His anger lasts only a moment. His favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but there is a song of joy in the morning.
Psalms 30:5

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Pintrest Explosion!

Our dinning room has had empty walls basically since we moved in. I had a few things upbut they just did not seem to go well. Enter Pintrest to save the day!

Here is the room before. Just kinda bare. Nothing fancy. The lighting in this picture is pretty bad, sorry!

I loved this idea, and the kids had so much fun helping me with it! I have it hanging on that blank wall to the right of that window in the picture. It is actually between two windows, but you can only see the one in this picture.

Then I worked on our family Bible center. I got a random scrap of wood and pray painted it yellow, then put a decal on it that says "For the Bible tells me so". I took an old mirror I had and used chalkboard paint on it. Ta da! Now we can write verses on it that we are looking at together! It is right at our table which is perfect for family meal time. Oh, and yes I did make roman shades out of cheap mini blinds. It was super easy!

 And here is my precious niece, Miss Ella! Yep, I know, you cold just kiss that face all day!

Are you being brave and trying out things on pintrest????