Monday, November 15, 2010

One Step Forward.... Two Steps Back

I want so badly to be a good Mommy to my kids. There are times when I think "I handled that situation pretty well.", but there are more times when I think "Where did that come from? That was completely wrong.". Luckily my kids love me unconditionally. If they didn't I would be in a bad spot.

I try to devote all of my day to my kids. I want them to have memories of us together, having fun and learning. I want them to remember us talking openly about God and showing love to each other daily. Honestly though, there are days where I fail miserably. Too many days I go to bed feeling guilty for not spending every precious minuet with my sweet babies. Sure the laundry was nicely folded, the kitchen was tidy and the sheets were all fresh, but I went to be feeling empty. It makes me wonder if my poor children were feeling empty and unloved.

When Jayce turned 6 months old I desperately longed for him to be a tiny little newborn again so that I could hold and snuggle him the way I once did. The fact that he is half way through his first year of life makes me realize just how fleeting time is. In just a few short months he will be one and Lula Mae will be three. Their babyhood is drifting away, and I feel like I am missing it. Even though I am with them every day, I feel like it is slipping away. I am determined not to let my OCD cause me to miss out on these precious years with my children. Some days I can't focus on them because I just want to reorganize the closet for the 20th time. Or I can't focus because I know the refrigerator needs to be wiped out. If I am having one of those days where my ODC is pretty bad, focusing on my kids is close to impossible. It isn't fair to them and I hate it.

I wholeheartedly think that God sees motherhood as a big responsibility, but I also believe that taking care of the home, caring for my husband and handling the finances are just as important. So how do you juggle it all? How do I spend all my time with my children and take care of my home too? How can I do it without being obsessive about it?

The other day I was rushing around during Jayce's morning nap trying to get some things done. Lula Mae was under me the whole time, asking if I would play. I hated to tell her that I needed to do some work. Then I had an epiphany.... she is old enough to be involved with my work around the house. She needs to see me doing these things so that she can learn how to be a homemaker. So I pulled up a stool and she helped me wash the bottles. Then she was excited to help me make lunch. I tend to still see her as my baby and hide the fact that she is a very big girl who can do so much more than I give her credit for. She is a fantastic helper :-) The house can still be managed while I spend time with my children. It is possible.

Some days I have it together and I manage my time wisely, and others I struggle. This whole parenting thing really is a learning adventure. I feel like I take one step forward and two steps back. Regardless, my children love me unconditionally and I love them unconditionally. My OCD can't stop me from enjoying my kids. I just won't allow such a thing!


Rachel said...

OCD and perfectionism tend to have to be tempered a bit while parenting... at least that's what I've learned. (I mean, kids are nothing if not a bit messy and thoroughly non-predictable! :)

Glad you got Lula Mae involved and I'm sure it made her feel great too!

Tiffany said...

Hugs! It is amazing how God uses our children to work through stuff in our hearts, isn't it?

And I know, from personal experience, that Lula Mae will treasure the memories of helping her mommy around the house. I know I do.

HeatherOz said...

What a fabulous epiphany and precious way to spend time with Lula Mae! I think you are doing a great job!

Emmy said...

It often amazes me at how much my kids can do to help, which does then kill two birds with one stone. And just wait, as Jayce gets older, as much as we want them to stay babies, he and Lula Mae will be able to play together and it is okay to let them just play and take time for yourself.