Clearing Out The Clutter

I am warning you this is a rambling post and basically is for me.... you may or may not get anything out of it. Great opener right? Super stoked to keep reading huh? I thought so.... proceed....

I was talking to a friend a few days ago and during our seemingly mundane, ordinary conversation, she mentioned, "I just don't need one more thing everyday that takes me away from Jesus...". It really started me thinking about my life. Not only do I not need one more thing, I really need to clear out a few things that are already in my life. 

I struggle with lots of things in my life, mostly bad, but some good. I find that the harder ones for me are the good ones. It's good to want to be a great mom; it's good to want to be a great wife or friend or steward or servant.... whatever title you can imagine, it isn't a bad thing to want to do a good job. What is bad however, is letting that pursuit become an idol in your life. 

For me, I struggle hard with this. I want to be a good mom, but I let that run me... a lot. I want to be a good wife, and I let that run me..... a lot. All of these things take turns slowly becoming hue idols in my life. What does an idol do? It keeps my focus all wrapped up on it so that my focus can't be on Jesus.  The farther satan and get my focus from Jesus, the happier he is. Satans goal every single moment of my life is to keep me from Jesus. He can be pretty frank for the most part, but e is also quite sneaky. Using things that seem good in my life to do his dirty work. I am just fed up with it to be quite honest. DONE. 

My home is important to me. It is a huge blessing from God and I want to take care of it and treat it as such. Unfortunately my home has become a huge idol in my life. So I prayed that God would help me to truly understand what it is that He wants me to do and what I need to let go of. I am slowly (and I mean SLOWLY) learning that it is okay to let a few things go. Not forever, but just for a moment. Long enough to steal a few tiny kisses from Jayce. Long enough to hear an interesting fact Lula Mae found in a book. Long enough to have a tea party or build a robot out of legos. Just long enough to give my kids a memory. A keepsake that no fire can destroy, no robber can steal, no moth can eat. A moment they will be able to look back on and say, "I loved that my mom ____________.". 

And so, I needed so system. This is laminated and taped to the refrigerator. 

Having "focus days" has taken lots of pressure off of me. My kids and my husband know what the goal is for the day so that if there is something that hasn't really gotten done they can look and say "Oh, okay. Mom is going to work on that on Wednesday, not today.". Now don't get me wrong, I am not the only one responsible for these tasks, but I am the one who oversees these tasks.

This helps me realize, visually, that all those chores will still be there tomorrow. They aren't going anywhere. While I am not someone who can just do absolutely nothing, I am learning that it is just fine if EVERYTHING does not get done. My home and how it is taken care of should not be an idol. Balance... one of the hardest concepts of all time. Am I right folks?

Every morning the kids and I do a devotional together and read the Bible. I really love this time with them. They are still warm and snuggly from their nice cozy beds. They lay on me as though to say "Mommy here are my burdens, help me give them to Jesus". We read this together just two mornings ago...

Do not be overwhelmed by the clutter in your life. By "clutter" I'm not just talking about all that stuff under your bed. I'm including all those endless little chores that you need to do sometimes, but not necessarily now.

All those little tasks will eat up as much time as you give them. So, instead of trying to do everything at once, choose the chores that really need to be done today. Then let the rest of them slip to the back of your mind, so that I can be in the front of it. 

Remember, your goal in this life is not to check everything off a to-do list. It is to live close to Me. Seek My Face all throughout this day. Let My Presence clear away the clutter in your mind, and flood you with My Peace.   

Folks, take that and really ponder it for a moment.

I love how sometimes the kids devotional hits my struggles perfectly. Is it bad that my adult brain needs it broken down that far sometimes. Sigh.

And so, with all my rambling, I just urge you to just let some stuff go. Trust me, for this OCD chick, that is so hard.... but I am trying. Why? Simply so that I can spend more time every single day seeking His Face and allowing His Presence to clear away the things in my life that keep me from Him. My system is not flawless by any means, but it is helping.

On another similar note, this is what we have posted right underneath our Daily Focus chart....

... our family schedule. I have a stack of laminated, magnetic strips with all sorts of different things on them. A few of them never change (wake up/ alone time with God, breakfast/family Bible time being prime examples) while others can be rearranged to meet our needs for that day. Now I can't lie, sometimes I go days... or even weeks... without changing our schedule. Never the less, it is a great tool and it helps the kids and I stay focused and be productive while still remembering that it is okay to let things wait until another day and really put our focus on God. I still strive to be a good homemaker, I am simply choosing to do it while trying to live close to Him in every way!

My Brain Has Left The Building

My brain has officially checked out. Yep. It isn't even mid-November yet and I feel like I am ready for the new year.

Life has been so full and busy these days. That is great I guess, except I feel like it has been so busy that I haven't been able to keep up with what's really important.

Jesus is what is really important. End of story.

With how crazy things are these days I am skipping my quiet time, rushing through prayers, squeezing in my devotional. What is that showing my kids??? It is showing them the exact opposite of what I am called to show them!

I need this holiday season to be different than any other. I need it to be low key, and calm, and 100% focused on Jesus. Not just Christmas, but Thanksgiving too! I desperately need things to slow down so I can gain some perspective.

Raising my kids is one of the most important things God has called me to do. I am seeing how difficult this job really is these days. I am also seeing how fleeting my chance to raise my children is as well. I will be my kids Mom until the day I die, but I only really have a small window of opportunity to raise them. The way things are going right now, I am ashamed to say, society is really raising my kids... not me. That is just not acceptable! I am aware that when my kids are adults I can still impact their lives and influence them, but not like when they are young. Not like I can today. Today is where I need to be.

Today is where I need to always be focused. Showing my kids how to live for Jesus today.

When the new year rolls around I want to have a better handle on understanding time. I want to move into 2014 with a feeling of "I can do this".

If I'm lucky, perhaps my brain will join me...

The Person I Am On Facebook

Deception. That really is the best way to describe it.

I am not the person you see on Facebook. My life does resemble that person, and the things I post are true life events, but in the grand scheme of things I am not that person. Not even a little bit.

On Facebook I am super woman, I am an amazing Mom, I should win Wife Of The Year, my home is perfect, I am always put together and wearing makeup, my kids are sweet little angles who say the sweetest things, I spend countless hours filling myself with God's Word, I am always filled with joy.... and the list could go on and on. This is the person I let you see. Why? Because the true me is just not good enough to post for the worlds viewing pleasure.

The real me forgets about the same load of laundry all day until I finally have to run the washer again just to be sure nothing got molded.

The real me sprays a little air freshener through the house before my husband comes home to give the illusion that I "cleaned". 

The real me does not show my husband the respect he deserves on a daily basis.

The real me does not submit to my husband the way that God commands, and if I do it is with a bad attitude... which basically means I haven't submitted at all.  

The real me rarely puts on clothes that don't closely resemble pajamas, much less fix my hair or do my make up.

The real me is the Mom I hoped I would never turn into. One who yells and says things to her kids that I regret as soon as they fly out of my mouth.

The real me has kids who disobey and throw fits.

The real me squeezes in quiet time with God and rushes through my Bible time simply to be able to say I have done it that day.

The real me is rarely joyful and has an attitude of  selfishness and ungratefulness.

See what I mean? The real me just would not get a lot of "likes" on Facebook, and who wants that? We all want to be "liked" and so we show the world only what we want them to see... the good stuff. The truth is, there is a whole lot more bad stuff in me than good stuff. I long to be the person I am on Facebook.

Luckily, I don't have to be perfect. I am not expected to be the perfect wife, be the perfect mom, have the perfect house, have the perfect kids and have my life completely together. God knows I can't be these things on my own. His only expectation of me is that I come to him, broken, ready to accept the gift He has bought for me at such a great cost. He wants me to know how broken I am so that I can fully understand how precious His gift is. He expects me to wake up each day and ask for His help to be all the things that He calls me to be. He knows my life is not the picturesque one that I post to Facebook, and He loves me in spite of that. Yet I just struggle with loving myself in spite of all my failures.

I want my life to live up to the one I show the world on Facebook, but instead of focusing on that I want to simply focus on living a life worthy of the Gospel, a life that brings glory to God. I love God with all my heart, soul and mind and I want that to show on more than just Facebook. I want that to show to my children, my husband, the cashier at the store, my small group, my friends, my family, the stranger on the bread aisle with me.... I want it to show each and everyday, to the world! 

A New Chapter

On August 23, 2013 at 4:44 pm a chapter of my life came to an end. The sweet baby girl God grew within me was born! 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 1/2 inches long, beautiful child. She is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, a true masterpiece of God! My labor and delivery was drenched in God's grace and His mercy! Every second of every minute I could feel God working and moving. It is an experience I will never forget as long as I live!

Our surrogacy journey has come to an end and a new chapter in my life has started. There is no longer a baby growing inside of me. Now she is in the arms of her mother and father, being loved beyond measure! They have waited with empty arms for so long, and now they are holding a sweet baby! My arms and womb are empty but my heart is so full! This journey has filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible. God has left me speechless!

While the surrogacy is over, this is not the end. Now I get to enjoy watching my dear friends raise their little girl! It will be a lifelong journey that I am so blessed to be a part of. Still, the chapter of my life is changing. I can't help but wonder what this new chapter will look like? The last one was so distinct, so profound, so amazing! How do you follow that?

I am not sure what the new chapter will look like exactly, but that's okay. I know it will involve being a mommy, a wife, a friend. There will be homeschooling, family trips, activities, adventures, fun times, hard times, times that make me want to pull my hair out.... this chapter will be full of all kinds of things and I am excited to see where it takes me!

To everyone who joined us on our surrogacy journey, thank you. Thank you for your support, encouragement and prayers. I can't fully express how much it meant to me! From the bottom of my heart, thank you! I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did, but I hope even more that God used it in your life somehow.

THE Question

There is one question that I get more than others....

"How are you gonna do that?"

My first reaction, which I bite my tongue and don't say out loud, is "well I am going to push this baby out just like my other kids, hopefully". But that is rude, and I don't say that. Plus I know thats not what they really mean anyway.... or at least I hope that is not what they actually mean....  

I know they really mean "How are you gonna hand over this baby?".

I guess they are expecting some long drawn out answer where I cry and and tell them I don't know. They always look confused by my answer.

I tell them I am not going to do it at all, God is. I tell them I am going to take it one day at a time, and pray every second of the way.

They also look at me crazy when I tell them this pregnancy is different than my others were. I have different feelings, different emotions, different everything. Don't get me wrong, I love her and feel connected to her, but it's so different. I truly believe God prepared me emotionally for this journey long before He even brought the desire to my heart.

I can't wait to deliver this baby. It will be wonderful and amazing and so incredibly special! I am more excited to see Esther and Scott hold their little girl for the first time! It will be a moment I treasure forever!

So how am I gonna do it? Only by the grace of God, joyfully and for God's glory! 

Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for God's glory. 

 -1 Corinthians 10:31

When that day comes, yes I may have hormonal emotions to sort out, but I know my God is more than capable of dealing with those. I just feel so much peace and so much joy that I can't think to make myself look at delivery day any other way.

By God's grace I met this couple. By God's grace I am carrying this baby. By God's grace He is using me to bring this baby into the world healthy and safe. By God's grace this journey will have a beautiful ending!

Esther and Scott are being blessed with a baby through this journey, but the blessing I am getting is multiplied by a million!

Homeschool Work

This year I am focusing more on Bible memorization (books and verses) as well as Catechisms questions. I want this year to give us a good foundation for her first real year of homeschooling.... next year :-) I came up with a fun activity for Lula Mae to help her work on learning the books of the Bible. I saw someone on pintest use popsicle sticks to help kids memorize Bible verses so I switched it up and did the books of the Bible the same way. Take a look at our newest school activity!

 

 

 

 As you can see, Lula Mae loved this activity! She pulls is out frequently and I think it has really helped! She learned the New Testament so quickly!

 

Heart Issues

People say babies are hard. I think they are crazy.

You feed them, you change them, you rock them, you keep them warm and make sure they get lots of sleep. Repeat. Love, love, love them.

How is that hard? I even had a particularly difficult second baby and I still felt like a good mom through his first year. I could calm him down, I could get him to eat, I could get him to sleep, I could make him smile and laugh. I felt like a good mom.

Now, at this point in my life, I don't feel like a good mom.

Toddlers and preschool aged kids are hard. Want to know why? Because now I am focused on their hearts. It is no longer me just worrying about their basic needs.... now the real work begins. And I feel like I am failing them.

I am not the example of Christ that I want to be. Not even close. I want so badly to show them Jesus through my life but I fail every.single.day.

I stay home more often than not, because I barley have control of my kids. In my home I feel such little respect and it is a very belittling feeling. I feel like I am slowly fading away right in front of my children.

How do other moms have it all together? Or how do they make it look like they have it all together? How do other moms deal with their kids hearts? I am drowning!

Bottles and blankies and pacifiers were so easy. Heart issues.... NOT SO MUCH!

I miss the feeling of being a good mom. I really, really miss it. I want my kids to seem happy and loved, but unfortunately I worry that they are feeling neither of those very basic things. *my brain is mush.... complete mush*

My only hope right now is that God is being glorified through this very trying stage. 

Surrogacy Update: The One I Wish Was Different

This journey has brought me so much joy, more than I can adequately express with words.

This journey has also brought me such heart ache.

My flesh is mad.
My flesh is devastated.
My flesh wants to question God.
My flesh can't understand any of this.

My faith has grown stronger.
My faith has learned to trust God's plan above my own.
My faith has stretched and pulled me in a million directions, keeping me strong when I felt as though I should be in shambles.
My God never fails.

On September 4th, right before I laid my babies down for nap, I took a pregnancy test. I left it there, thinking nothing of it. Then I got a message from my husband "so did you poas today?". I laughed. Then I went back to toss the test in the trash.... and there was that line. That second, faint little line. I called my husband and told him the news. We questioned to call E, but thought we should wait. After holding the news for 2 days I had to tell her! It was eating me alive. I felt so bad that she and her husband would never have that "sweet moment" of finding out they were pregnant so I thought and thought about how to somehow surprise them with this wonderful news. Of course, I took a neat picture.... thats just what I do.... and I sent it to her. The next few days I was praying for symptoms to start coming on so that I felt "pregnant" and could breath a sigh of relief. I wanted to be throwing up and so tired I could not keep my eyes open. I told myself that this pregnancy would just be more like my sons where I had zero symptoms, but yet I was still on edge.... so ready for my blood test to tell me I was in fact pregnant. The morning of the test we were on our way to Disney World for our family vacation. I walked into that office positive that my numbers would be high enough that E would feel ready to post our results to all of our friends and family. Hours went by and no phone call... we all were wondering how long it could possibly take! Then that familiar number popped up on my phone and I was so excited, ready to hear those amazing words "you're pregnant!". When I answered and heard Lindsay's voice I knew something was wrong. She finally got out the words "it was negative".... my heart sunk and I felt as though I had just been hit by a train. My first reaction was "the test is wrong, I got a positive test a week ago! Run it again!". The denial hit fast. Then she explained how they were sure it was right and that I had lost the baby. I had lost their baby.

Devastated does not do justice to how I was feeling at that moment.
Anger.
Denial.
Guilt.
Anger.
Anger.
Anger.

I was so confused. How could I get a positive test and the blood test was negative? God knew this would happen, and He planned it that way. I knew that, but could not grasp that at this point.

My husband and I lost our first baby, Taylor, and it was devastating. I can tell you, losing someone elses baby is unfathomable.

I prepared myself for a negative and I prepared myself for a positive. I did not however prepare myself for losing their baby so swiftly after having him nestle into my womb. For 7 days I was pregnant. I got to feel like God's vessel for 7 blissful days. For those 7 days I imagined my belly growing bigger, explaining this act of service to my children, preparing for the birth.... I imagined how wonderful the moment would be when they placed that baby in E's arms.

Those negative results robbed me of all of these things. It took away so much from my precious friend and it made me ache for her. Even though I know this is not my fault, I am struggling to truly believe that. I keep wondering what I did to mess this up, what I could have done different. I have lots of things I need to work through, the guilt is for sure the biggest.

I look at my kids and wonder why God picked me... why am I so blessed with fertility? I am humbled by this experience in so many ways. There are couples who go through this devastation month after month, year after year. I am overly blessed and take my fertility for granted day after day.

I only find joy in Jesus. He brings me Joy. Knowing that he is holding this sweet baby in his arms brings me joy. knowing He gave me 7 days to hold that blessing in my womb gives me great joy.  Sweet Cheerio may have been their bundle, but he was certainly my joy!

Continue to pray for our journey because although this chapter is coming to a close, there is a new one on the horizon. The Lord knows what is to come and I am grateful to be apart of this amazing experience!

His anger lasts only a moment. His favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but there is a song of joy in the morning.

Psalms 30:5

Finding Joy

My oh my how I miss blogging. I miss pouring out my heart. Not because I need a pitty party or a pat on the back but because blogging is my therapy.

When I blog I work through things.

When I blog I can sort the craziness spinning around in my head out just a little bit.

When I blog I can focus on a situation and either deal with it or let it go.

Blogging is how I make the world make since to me and so I miss it.

I thought the fact that I had not found time to blog was one reason I just haven't felt super joyful these days even though I have so very much to be joyful about. However I came to the conclusion tonight that not blogging is the farthest thing from what is taking my joy.

I am taking my joy.

You see, I have been expecting other things, other people, to bring me joy. Impossible.

Only Jesus can bring me joy.

I have been feeling so overwhelmed and just anxious. It just dawned on me why. I have stopped seeking God. I am just expecting Him to spoon feed me what He wants me to learn. That is never going to happen. He wants me to actively seek Him and move into His presence. I wish I could get to a point in my walk with God that I could get past this, but for some reason I am stuck in this cycle and it is DRIVING ME NUTS! I know that when I stop reading my Bible, having my quiet time and really praying that life gets overwhelming. So you would think that this would not be like a huge epiphany every single time! And yet my flesh does not get any less fleshy.

Today I am taking the step to say "I am really screwing up here" and making an effort to get past this.

Jesus brings me joy. I know this because when I am in The Word and active in prayer my life is so different.

I want that. I want the joy to always be in my life. However, when I fail over and over again I do find good in it. It brings me back to my knees crying to the Lord that I can't do this on my own. It brings me back to the cross.

If my flesh does nothing else, it keeps me humbled and helps me see just how much I need my Savior.

 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."   -2 Corinthians 12:9

I am going to find time to blog though, because I find peace in it. I enjoy living my life out here so that I can go back and see God working on me. Not to mention it writing really is therapeutic to me... and with everything going on right now I need all the therapy I can get ;-)

Guess What We Are Wating For....

THE CONTRACT!

Yep! We have finished working on the contract and it has been signed... well half way. Considering that the 4 people involved in this journey live in two states it would be hard for us all to sign the contract at the same time. Therefore one party has completed the big signing stage, and we are anxiously awaiting our turn! After that....

BOOM!

The ball is ROLLING! More than rolling, the ball will be soaring through the air!

Are you all ready for this? See, because here is the deal... all of this is gonna be crazy emotional for me, and even more so for Esther. We have no idea how smooth or bumpy the next few steps are going to be. We have no idea what God has planned. One thing is for sure though, He is in this and I am trusting him 100%, which we all know is not easy all the time.

When God laid surrogacy on my heart, I had no idea how much He would stretch me through the process. I am learning a lot about myself, my relationships with people, my dependance on Jesus... so many things.

When you feel like God has spoken to you or laid something on your heart,  I am telling you... go for it! It is an amazing feeling and an even more amazing journey!

Don't worry, I will keep you posted on what is coming up next!

Waiting

9 months is a long time to wait, when you are waiting for a baby. However, if someone told you that you had 9 months to live it would feel quite the opposite. Interesting how easily perspective can be changed.

It has been nearly 2 years since Esther and Scott's babies were created. Can you image expecting for 2 years.... and still seeing no due date in sight? I can't. Seems like torture to me.

But God is bigger than this. God has a perfect plan in perfect time.

I think it would be foolish to think that at some point in your walk with the Lord you just stop becoming impatient. Sure you gain contentment and learn to be more patient, but do we really ever stop wondering "when?"? I figure we will stop wondering that the day we take our last breath.

We are still waiting. Scott and Esther are still waiting. The months are flying by and the time line I had envisioned in my head has been skewed, several times. When a new month starts I think positively, yet by the end I begin wondering "when?".

The first step is in sight and I am very excited and yet nervous. Esther and Scott are planning a trip to visit us and while they are here we will be visiting a clinic! I feel like the ball is about to begin rolling and I can't tell you how excited that makes me!

At the same time I am nervous because I know this means doctors will have their say in things. Am I healthy enough? Would I make a good candidate for the babies/baby? Is my anxiety going to put up a big red flag? Will they find something wrong with me?

I'm terrified I have promised something to these two trusting people and it might be ripped apart right in front of them.

It boils down to the fact that I don't want to let them down. I feel peace though, because God brought us together after giving me this calling. His hand is in this and He can see it through.

Pray for us as we move closer to the appointment date and officially embark on this exciting journey!

Happy Easter!

Around here there is no bunny.

There are no baskets filled with eggs and candy.

Easter is completely centered around Jesus. It's a really big deal if you take a moment to think about it.

Our kids get a new book about Jesus or Easter and typically a small toy or craft to make. That's it. I mean, God sent Jesus to die for your sins.... is that not a big enough gift? Exactly.


Happy Easter to all of you! May God bless you and your families this weekend!

Single Parenting

Makes you shutter a little doesn't it? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately it is a very real part of my life. I have no reason to complain though, because I have a husband with an amazing job. Trainings and deployments just come with the territory. Every job has its pros and cons, these just happen to be our cons.

Charlie is away for 12 days. Training. He drove alone, 12 hours straight and made it safely. And so begins my stent of single parenting.

Right now I have two kids in two very trying phases. There are lots of tears, lots of the word 'no', lots of battles. With two parents it is hard... alone it seems nearly impossible. I have rules for myself when I am going at it alone.

1. Nap time is for Mommy. No work is to be done during nap, unless it is folding a load of clothes. I make myself relax and take time for me.

2. Don't make plans. I take every day one step at a time. One battle, one fit, one moment at a time.

3. Pray. Pray. Pray.

4. Ask for help. This one has taken me a looooooong time to realize.

5. Don't miss the gym. It is great time to focus on my health and talk to God. The kids get about an hour and a half to play with a few other kids and enjoy their 2 wonderful teachers in the nursery.

I can make it without Charlie, but the kids have a rough time. They don't understand why Daddy is gone all day and not coming home for dinner. They make me miss him, for them. I miss him, but we are use to this time apart and we thrive on it. Sounds crazy, I know, but it's true. The next 12 days will be long, but I am sure I will learn a lot. I will be cleaning (cause that's what I do when he leaves) I will be organizing, I will be keeping myself and my kids busy so that the next 12 days goes quick.

Stand In Awe

There are things in life that literally take your breath away.

I have experienced this before... when my babies were born, when I came to terms with the fact that Uncle Larry was going to die, the moment I thought Jayce was dead...

Heather's pregnancy is the only things that has ever repeatedly taken my breath away.

Every time I think about her positive pregnancy test.

Every time I see her belly that I thought I would never see.

Every time she calls with a crazy pregnancy question.

Every time I think about her delivering that baby.

Every time I think about holding that miracle baby.

Every.Single.Time. It all takes me breath away. God has taught me a lot through Eric, Heather and their baby. More than I can honestly explain to you.

I can't wait to get my hands on that baby. I was excited for my babies to be born, but I am overly excited about this little girls arrival!

I can't help but wonder what life will be like for Heather once the baby comes. We all know she will be overjoyed, a little tired, proud, slightly emotional... but what will it be like to be a Mom for her? It will be different than when I became a mother. Very different. I wasn't told "you could possibly never get pregnant". I didn't go through the heartbreak of the type of loss that they did with their first baby. The life that she is about to lead is one that I will never fully understand. She is about to walk a path of infertility that some never get to. I can imagine that she will feel grateful for this precious gift... but at the same time guilty that she was chosen and not the others. I have been praying that as the time comes near for her to walk this road, she will be ready.

Ready for the roller coaster of emotions that are about to hit her.

This little girl is gonna be so rotten folks. So, soooooo rotten!

February 5th

Four years ago my ankles should have been swollen.

Four years ago I should have been finishing the last touches on the nursery.

Four years ago I should not have been able to see my feet.

Four years ago I should have been rushing to the hospital getting ready to hold my baby in my arms for the first time.

Today is February 5th. My first due date.

My baby was never placed in my arms, I never felt any kicks, I never had a baby bump to rub and talk to.

Taylor.

That's what we named our baby in June of 2007 when I miscarried. A name brought closure somehow.

Every year on February 5th, I can't help but wonder what life would have been like if Taylor hadn't been called away so soon. Today I can't help but wonder what my 4 year old would be like.

Would they be a boy or a girl? Would they have brown hair or blond? Would they be a compliant child or strong willed? Would they like green beans or cry when the were fixed for supper? Would they eat too much cake at their birthday party or be too busy running and playing? Would they....

It is hard not to get caught up in all the wondering. Only one thing really keeps me from dwelling on all the possibilities and that is knowing that Taylor is with Jesus. Taylor never had to feel pain, never had to experience hate, never got jaded by the world. God loved Taylor so much that He took all of those horrible things away.

It was hard for me to see that back in 2007. Mainly because I was not saved, but also because the wound was still fresh. I believe in a healing time, strongly. However I believe in God's amazing grace much, much more.

So today I am celebrating Taylor. Not dwelling and wondering... just celebrating our baby waiting for us in heaven.

The Beginning Of A Journey

This past weekend the Hubster and I went on a late birthday getaway. We had the chance to meet up with some new friends of ours. I met Esther by lurking around on her blog. Actually I was told about Esther by my best friend Heather. Esther and Heather are bloggy buddies and also even better buddies through Hannah's Prayer Ministries, a Christian forum and website devoted to women struggling with infertility and loss. Esther and Heather have this in common, infertility. They are two very strong women who refuse to let infertility define who they are, and I am humbled by the grace that each of them exude. I love them both and thank God for placing them both in my life.

So why did we go visit Esther and her husband? You see, Esther is special. Esther has a very special story that you can read about here. You can also read more about Esther here.

Have you ever felt a true calling from God? I Have. My calling is to help Esther give her last two babies a chance at life. God placed this heavily on my heart recently, but surrogacy has been on my heart nearly my entire life. I have prayed and prayed and been given confirmation after confirmation. God's hand is in this and I have no doubt that this will bring Him glory! I have offered to be Esther and her husbands surrogate.

Meeting them was the first "step" in our journey together. When I know more on our journey, I promise I will update you, but please know that some things I may not share because I am simply a tiny piece of this journey. Esther and her husband will have to give me permission to share our journey with you because I simply won't have it any other way. I also understand that there are moral issues with IVF and other forms of fertility treatments and I want to clear this up:

*Everyone has different views, please don't leave hurtful comments about someones choice. They made it... not you. Just be respectful when commenting on this very delicate situation.

*If you are pro life I hope that you can see where we are coming from with this. We want nothing more than to offer a chance at life to these babies that are in waiting. If it is not meant for them to have a life here on earth, then God will see that through but at least they will be in heaven and not here waiting. But if it is meant for them to have a life here on earth, I want for God to use me however He sees fit.

To close this up I will share this story with you..... While on our trip, we visited their church. It just happened to be Jan. 22nd which is when a landmark decision was made the case Roe v. Wade in 1973 giving women the constitutional right to have abortions. Here I am, sitting beside 2 people desperately wanting a baby and listening to the pastor bring awareness to the church on the issue of abortion. I swear he said the word 100 times, and each time I felt myself slouch in my seat a little farther. It was such an awkward feeling for me, and I have never even had an abortion. After we prayed for God to stop abortions and bring peace to all women who struggle with guilt because of it, the pastor got around to his message. What was it on? Investing in other peoples lives. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. The entire messages was filled with confirmation from God on our surrogacy. FILLED! God put us in those seats, at that church, with this couple, to hear that message for a reason. We serve an awesome God!

Pray for us as this journey continues! More specifically, pray for finances to be dealt with. We are very excited to see what God has in store for us on this amazing journey together! Here is a blog Esther started just for this new journey!

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." -Ephesians 2:10

Enough

Our bank account is not loaded. We don't have a savings account for the "what if's" in life because God has proven to my husband and I, over and over again, that He always provides.

We have enough.

My closet is not busting at the seams. It is conservative, to say the least. I can't go more than about 3 days without doing laundry because I would be out of pants to wear.

I have enough.

My phone is anything but smart. It can't give me directions, tell me when the movie starts or recommend a good restaurant. It can call people and text them. End of story.

It is enough.

We don't have 3000 channels to watch. There isn't a game on anytime you feel like watching one. Our little Roku gives us lots of family friendly options.... FREE.

It is enough.

Our pantry is not exploding with choices. We plan basic meals and eat what we have. We don't try fancy recipes because they cost way too much money to prepare. Our freezer is not exactly stocked, but we have plenty to eat.

We have enough.

In this society, we are looked at as "odd". We are not all about the latest technology craze, we don't care that our clothes are well worn and are not exactly in style, we don't mind that our meals are not gourmet. We have enough. The world does not know when to say when.... but we do. We are learning at least. We are learning to say "No, that is not necessary.". Life is complicated and overly full of things. We are trying our hardest not to get sucked into that life. We like our life just the way it is. We are fighting to stay simple. We are blessed to have enough. We don't want our life to make since to the world, we want it to make since to God.

He is enough.

My 2012 Resolutions

The more blogs I read, the more I realize most people really hate new years resolutions. I get it, I mean, you make them and then don't keep up with them and then... you fail. Who likes failing? No one likes to fail. However I am a firm believer that goals keep you grounded and focused. I am one who needs goals. I need that "keep your eye on the prize" effect. So this is me saying I really like resolutions, a lot. I make them each year and actually keep up with them through the year. I still fail sometimes, but I still feel like I have tried. So for all you "I refuse to make resolutions that I don't intend to keep"... here are mine! I may be the only person left who makes resolutions, but I don't care.

My 2012 Resolutions

*Financial Goals*

- Increase debt payoff
- Pay off one debt by December
- Continue to work on living debt free
- Plan ahead this year an be prepared for for holidays, taxes, change of seasons for new clothes for the kids, etc.


*Spiritual Goals*

- Find an accountability partner
- Memorize 1 verse per month
- Commit to walking up an hour before the kids for longer quiet time
- Pray for others more


*Other Goals*

- Encourage someone everyday
- Show grace towards my kids
- Set a better example of Christ for my kids
- Be joyful in all things

A few other blogs I read did this thing where they replaced resolutions with a word. It's neat really. You pick one word to help describe how you want your year to be. I like that! So, along with my resolutions I want to pick a word to help me stay on target this year.

My word is: Content.

Amazing when you think that one word can really impact your year. I am excited for 2012. God could do some amazing things this year, and I hope He uses me!

Perspective

Life these days has seemed hard. I feel like I am in a very deep, dark hole trying to dig my way out with a spoon. I have been focusing on so much stress around me.... until I read Rachels past few posts.

And then perspective slapped me in the face.

Followers, lurkers, dear bloggy friends... Rachel and Mr. Daddy need your prayers. As I sit around and mope about how tough my life is.... they are actually going through things that are worthy of crying. You can read about it here. Although, I know most of you are already followers of hers and are already praying for them.

We look at our own lives too much a majority of the time, and get caught up in how tough it is. Until we get a glimpse of what tough really is. My flesh is so selfish that it has trouble looking past me and my problems. I am praying that I can see the bigger picture. I don't want to be so selfish that I stay wrapped up in my problems, that are far from actual problems.

Do me a favor and head over to Once Upon A Miracle and leave some encouragement for this amazing family. Lift them up in prayer. Do whatever you can to help them get through this.

Switching Gears

Jayce's blood results are in. We have a few answers. We also still have questions.

Peanut allergy is positive, we will be avoiding it for 2 years and revisiting it to see if he outgrows this. There is a chance he will out grow it and that gives me hope. Until then he travels with an epipen wherever he goes.

Guess what came back perfect? The marker for gluten intolerance.

Our first test showed it was our culprit for his skin rashes, reflux and failure to thrive. So we switched to a gluten free diet and within days we saw improvements. Within weeks we had weight gain. We felt like we found out what was wrong. Then we ended up at the allergist having tests run on several major allergens and it felt like we switched gears.

The blood work showed egg as a big factor in Jayce. But no gluten. So why the change? Can the gluten free diet have skewed the results? Nope. Could the first test have been wrong? I doubt that.

I am looking at this as a healing. I know you could look at this as a case of misdiagnosis, but I am not. I think God took it away from Jayce. I think He heard our pleads and cries and my begging and took it away. I am counting this as a blessing and praising Him for it.

So now we are putting Jayce back on gluten and keeping him on a strict egg free diet. We will watch and see. Because that is our life with Jayce... watch and see. Wait.... wait.... and wait some more.

After a month of an egg free diet we will be heading back to the allergist to see what we think the next step is. If we have improvement, we will assume we have our ducks in a row... for the time being. If we don't see improvement we will more than likely be heading to the pediatric GI for a further test on the gluten intolerance. It is a possibility that the egg allergy and gluten intolerance are factors, but for now we are leaving that to God. He is taking care of Jayce and in His time we will have answers.

Keep praying for my little man. I can't wait until I can tell him we know how to help him feel better!


I will not be taking my gluten free tab off of my blog because I still think all that I learned could help someone out there.