Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Surrogacy Update: The One I Wish Was Different

This journey has brought me so much joy, more than I can adequately express with words.

This journey has also brought me such heart ache.

My flesh is mad.
My flesh is devastated.
My flesh wants to question God.
My flesh can't understand any of this.

My faith has grown stronger.
My faith has learned to trust God's plan above my own.
My faith has stretched and pulled me in a million directions, keeping me strong when I felt as though I should be in shambles.
My God never fails.

On September 4th, right before I laid my babies down for nap, I took a pregnancy test. I left it there, thinking nothing of it. Then I got a message from my husband "so did you poas today?". I laughed. Then I went back to toss the test in the trash.... and there was that line. That second, faint little line. I called my husband and told him the news. We questioned to call E, but thought we should wait. After holding the news for 2 days I had to tell her! It was eating me alive. I felt so bad that she and her husband would never have that "sweet moment" of finding out they were pregnant so I thought and thought about how to somehow surprise them with this wonderful news. Of course, I took a neat picture.... thats just what I do.... and I sent it to her. The next few days I was praying for symptoms to start coming on so that I felt "pregnant" and could breath a sigh of relief. I wanted to be throwing up and so tired I could not keep my eyes open. I told myself that this pregnancy would just be more like my sons where I had zero symptoms, but yet I was still on edge.... so ready for my blood test to tell me I was in fact pregnant. The morning of the test we were on our way to Disney World for our family vacation. I walked into that office positive that my numbers would be high enough that E would feel ready to post our results to all of our friends and family. Hours went by and no phone call... we all were wondering how long it could possibly take! Then that familiar number popped up on my phone and I was so excited, ready to hear those amazing words "you're pregnant!". When I answered and heard Lindsay's voice I knew something was wrong. She finally got out the words "it was negative".... my heart sunk and I felt as though I had just been hit by a train. My first reaction was "the test is wrong, I got a positive test a week ago! Run it again!". The denial hit fast. Then she explained how they were sure it was right and that I had lost the baby. I had lost their baby.

Devastated does not do justice to how I was feeling at that moment.
Anger.
Denial.
Guilt.
Anger.
Anger.
Anger.

I was so confused. How could I get a positive test and the blood test was negative? God knew this would happen, and He planned it that way. I knew that, but could not grasp that at this point.

My husband and I lost our first baby, Taylor, and it was devastating. I can tell you, losing someone elses baby is unfathomable.

I prepared myself for a negative and I prepared myself for a positive. I did not however prepare myself for losing their baby so swiftly after having him nestle into my womb. For 7 days I was pregnant. I got to feel like God's vessel for 7 blissful days. For those 7 days I imagined my belly growing bigger, explaining this act of service to my children, preparing for the birth.... I imagined how wonderful the moment would be when they placed that baby in E's arms.

Those negative results robbed me of all of these things. It took away so much from my precious friend and it made me ache for her. Even though I know this is not my fault, I am struggling to truly believe that. I keep wondering what I did to mess this up, what I could have done different. I have lots of things I need to work through, the guilt is for sure the biggest.

I look at my kids and wonder why God picked me... why am I so blessed with fertility? I am humbled by this experience in so many ways. There are couples who go through this devastation month after month, year after year. I am overly blessed and take my fertility for granted day after day.

I only find joy in Jesus. He brings me Joy. Knowing that he is holding this sweet baby in his arms brings me joy. knowing He gave me 7 days to hold that blessing in my womb gives me great joy.  Sweet Cheerio may have been their bundle, but he was certainly my joy!

Continue to pray for our journey because although this chapter is coming to a close, there is a new one on the horizon. The Lord knows what is to come and I am grateful to be apart of this amazing experience!


His anger lasts only a moment. His favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but there is a song of joy in the morning.
Psalms 30:5

4 comments:

Tiffany Bleger said...

Oh friend. I wish it were different. I am so sorry.

Tiffany Bleger said...

And there is NOTHING that you could have done differently. We will not understand this side of Heaven why this has happened. I am praying for an abundance of grace for all of you as you continue to greive and begin to heal.

Esther said...

I'm so thankful you gave us that "sweet moment." ♥ I love the way you told us. ♥ I am grateful for those days when we knew our baby was alive and safe in your womb. ♥

For what it's worth, I feel guilt too. Guilt that you have had to go through so much discomfort for me, and now you're going the emotional and physical trauma of losing this baby... all because MY body is broken. :(

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You have demonstrated the love of Christ unlike anything I've ever seen with my own eyes. I've told you repeatedly that I love you... but I don't think I've ever said that I'm proud of you and I respect you so very much. Truly.

And even if the doctor was able to pinpoint something specific that you did or didn't do to cause this loss (which I am CONFIDENT is NOT the case), I would never blame you. Ever. You are my hero. ♥

Rachel said...

Friend... nothing prepares us for this kind of loss.

And we are so blessed in having a HOPE that surpasses any circumstances. Because we KNOW where that baby is right now. And we KNOW where we are going. And we KNOW that God is still good.

Continuing to pray for you. With very much love.