Thursday, September 27, 2012

Heart Issues

People say babies are hard. I think they are crazy.

You feed them, you change them, you rock them, you keep them warm and make sure they get lots of sleep. Repeat. Love, love, love them.

How is that hard? I even had a particularly difficult second baby and I still felt like a good mom through his first year. I could calm him down, I could get him to eat, I could get him to sleep, I could make him smile and laugh. I felt like a good mom.

Now, at this point in my life, I don't feel like a good mom.

Toddlers and preschool aged kids are hard. Want to know why? Because now I am focused on their hearts. It is no longer me just worrying about their basic needs.... now the real work begins. And I feel like I am failing them.

I am not the example of Christ that I want to be. Not even close. I want so badly to show them Jesus through my life but I fail

I stay home more often than not, because I barley have control of my kids. In my home I feel such little respect and it is a very belittling feeling. I feel like I am slowly fading away right in front of my children.

How do other moms have it all together? Or how do they make it look like they have it all together? How do other moms deal with their kids hearts? I am drowning!

Bottles and blankies and pacifiers were so easy. Heart issues.... NOT SO MUCH!

I miss the feeling of being a good mom. I really, really miss it. I want my kids to seem happy and loved, but unfortunately I worry that they are feeling neither of those very basic things. *my brain is mush.... complete mush*

My only hope right now is that God is being glorified through this very trying stage. 

1 comment:

Esther said...

I know God is being glorified through your life. I've seen it.

Please be gentle on yourself, sweet friend. You aren't perfect, but you are doing the best you can, and God WILL give you grace to get through each day. He has promised us that. Just take one day at a time with those precious hearts. It will be worth it.

Love you.