Four years ago my ankles should have been swollen.
Four years ago I should have been finishing the last touches on the nursery.
Four years ago I should not have been able to see my feet.
Four years ago I should have been rushing to the hospital getting ready to hold my baby in my arms for the first time.
Today is February 5th. My first due date.
My baby was never placed in my arms, I never felt any kicks, I never had a baby bump to rub and talk to.
That's what we named our baby in June of 2007 when I miscarried. A name brought closure somehow.
Every year on February 5th, I can't help but wonder what life would have been like if Taylor hadn't been called away so soon. Today I can't help but wonder what my 4 year old would be like.
Would they be a boy or a girl? Would they have brown hair or blond? Would they be a compliant child or strong willed? Would they like green beans or cry when the were fixed for supper? Would they eat too much cake at their birthday party or be too busy running and playing? Would they....
It is hard not to get caught up in all the wondering. Only one thing really keeps me from dwelling on all the possibilities and that is knowing that Taylor is with Jesus. Taylor never had to feel pain, never had to experience hate, never got jaded by the world. God loved Taylor so much that He took all of those horrible things away.
It was hard for me to see that back in 2007. Mainly because I was not saved, but also because the wound was still fresh. I believe in a healing time, strongly. However I believe in God's amazing grace much, much more.
So today I am celebrating Taylor. Not dwelling and wondering... just celebrating our baby waiting for us in heaven.