Yesterday I got the luxury of running and errand. Alone. Yep! No diaper bag, no heavy car seat to carry, no toddler plus whatever toy she picked to bring along.... just me. I enjoy these little trips and I really think they help me keep my sanity. So off I went to the pharmacy to pick up Jayce's reflux medication. I did not however enjoy my conversation with the clerk.
Clerk: "Hi, what can I help you with today?"
Me: "I just need to pick up a prescription for Jayce Bell please."
Clerk: "Ok, just a moment. What's the patience date of birth?"
Me: "Ummmm, uhhhhh, it's ummmm............. Oh yeah, May.......the uhhhh....12th...no no no! 4th. May 4th."
Clerk: "What year?"
Me: "Ummmmmm, uhhhhh, what year is this year? Ummmmm 2010! Yep, 2010."
Clerk: (at this point is looking at me as though I have an extra eye in the center of my face) "Ok, here you go. Any questions about the medication?"
Me: "Nope, I'm good."
Clerk: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Yep, I'm fine. Thanks." (and then I pull off as though nothing had ever happened)
Then I thought to myself "I bet that lady thinks I just escaped from a loony bin!". She very well may have. As I drove to the grocery store in the peacefulness of my empty van, I began to think....
How could I forget my sons birthday? I would have never forgotten Lula Mae's like that. Oh no, do I love her more? Do I spend the same amount of time with Jayce as I do with Lula Mae? Probably not! Have I been filling out his baby book and first year calendar like I did for her? I think so. Am I taking pictures of him like I did her? No! I'm busier though. Will he hate me for that later? Am I going to do as good of a job raising him or am I going to get sloppy and slack off? If I can forget his birthday that easy what else am I going to forget? To feed him? To change him? he sound of his first little laugh, where we were and how it happened? I mean I remember Lula Mae's... but what if I forget his! Oh no, I bet I do lover her more!
I sat in the van for a moment before I went in the grocery store. I took a deep breath and leaned on the steering wheel. I told myself that I was worrying over something silly. Although I don't find things like that silly, I know that those things aren't going to keep our family feed, keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer, keep us clothed or keep us healthy. That is what matters. I love both of my children the same amount... but I love them in different ways. I may not remember the same moments for each of them, but I will remember moments. Every moment I have with them is special. It would be impossible for me to remember all of them. It is so easy to lose focus, for me at least. I have to remind myself a lot to live in the "here and now" not in the future or the past. Right now my kids need love, shelter, encouragement, discipline, nutrition, family and church (to name a few!). I can do that. I don't know why I insist on worrying so much, but it happens. A lot. More than necessary. Luckily I have an amazing God who is helping me worry less day by day.