I am a worrier by nature. I am also afraid of lots of things. It would honestly take me less time to make a list of things that don't scare me as apposed to making one of things that do scare me. I wish I was kidding. A few nights ago I felt true fear. I have never felt it before, even though I am afraid of hundreds of things.
We have a fire place and enjoy using it when it is cold out. On this particular evening we had one burning and the chimney was just not cooperating this time. smoke was slowly creeping into the house. Luckily it was easily managed. After the fire died out we aired the house out for a bit and closed the flue. Then we went to bed.
About half an hour later Charlie and I both started wondering why our room smelled like smoke so bad. Our eyes were even burning. We thought it was just because we had shut our door. It seemed odd that it kept getting worse and worse as time went by. Finally Charlie opened the door to see what was going on.
Our house was FILLED with smoke! We rushed to open the doors and windows. We were coughing and our eyes were watering. With both doors wide open and the fan on full blast we got the living room cleared out. We were very concerned that a smoke detector never went off. I mean, they are kinda suppose to let you know when there is SMOKE!!! After an hour of that we went back to bed. Suddenly we both thought... the kids! Their rooms are directly off of the living room. If the smoke was that bad in our rooms what was it like in their rooms? I asked Charlie if it was a big deal. He said, "Ummm yeah smoke inhalation is a pretty big deal, especially kids.". Off I went to check!
I crept across the house and opened Jayce's door. The smell of smoke hit me in the face. I swung his door open and turned on his fan. I quietly went over to his crib, he was laying face down as always. I gently put my hand on his back. He was so still and I was a little shaky so I said his name and ran my finger nails up his back. Nothing.
I called his name louder. Still nothing. I poked he legs, rougher than you can imagine. He did not move.
At that moment I knew he was dead. Literally, my ears started to ring, I could hear my heartbeat inside my head and my body felt tingly. I picked him up by his midsection and dropped him over and over again. His body was limp and he never once moved. I could not breath or think to scream for Charlie to come or even call 9-1-1. I stumbled over to the light and turned it on. I may or may not have said a few choice words.
When I turned back around I saw him turn his head to the side, then he started to stand up. I thought I was going to throw up. I turned the light back off and grabbed him up and held him. I held him and felt him breath. I was shaking and felt so sick to my stomach.
I have always been a fearful person, but now I can safely say that I have never felt true fear. For those 45 to 50 seconds when I was certain that my baby was gone, I was terrified. Numb with fear.
When Jayce was back to bed and Lula Mae had been checked on I went back to my room. Frazzled I explained it all to Charlie. I paced around the house for a while and eventually got back in bed. After laying there for who knows how long exactly, I finally fell asleep.
The next day I just kept praying for all those parents who have gotten up to check on their precious little ones and they really had lost them. I know how they felt, but only a few seconds worth. I can't imagine what it must be like to hold your lifeless child in your arms and weep. I pray I never do. Every time I flashed back to that feeling of fear, I prayed for those parents, the ones who didn't get to go back to bed knowing their baby was fine.
That moment, a time period of mere seconds, make me more grateful to have Jayce. It takes horrible things happening to realize how much you love something. Perhaps I needed that fear and God knew it all along.
Who knew the kid slept that heavy anyway?