Friday, September 10, 2010

My Mistake

I make lots of Mistakes. Every single day. If I didn't, then what would have been the point of Jesus dieing on the cross? Some mistakes are big, and some are small. Some only I know about, some are obvious to others, yet all are seen by God. I cannot hide an action, thought or sigh from Him. Sure, I can hide them from my children, my husband and friends, but that isn't what matters. What matters is what God sees. When I confess these mistakes to God I am forgiven. Forgiven by Him, but not by the person whom I have wronged.

Yesterday Lula Mae had a great day. She woke up singing, used her manners beautifully, obeyed diligently, helped out when she was asked and loved with all of her heart. She did amazing with her school work, read to Jayce, gave him his paci when he cried, shared with me and ate every meal without complaining. It was a great day for us all. Then, about 10 minuets before bed it all came tumbling down. The servants heart that she had all day turned into a bitter one. She refused to have her night time diaper put on (spanking #1), she whined about brushing her teeth (spanking #2), she cried about giving her book to Daddy to be put away (spanking #3), She refused to pray with us (spankings #4,5,6,7,8,9,10, and possibly 11). After about 15 minuets of spanking, trying to talk calmly and whispering reminders of making God happy when we pray, she yelled in my face (something she has never ever done before). I forcefully grabbed her, put her in her crib, we left the room and slammed the door. I left her screaming and crying because, at that moment, I was afraid of what I might do. Not hurt her physically, but quite possibly emotionally. I just need to get out. I needed to get away from the moment. I felt horrible. I don't like making prayer time a battle field, but sometimes we do have to force her to pray. Do we like to? No. But we are determined to teach her that prayer is important, as well as listening and obeying. I feel as though the nights when prayer is a battle that it is really just Satan trying to defeat me. He is using my sweet little gift from God against me, trying to break my spirit and cause me to give up.

After leaving her room, I washed the dishes in a very vigorous manner. I got out all the frustration, anxiety and nervousness I had. I prayed. I prayed hard. After a few moments of listening to God, I knew what needed to be done. Lula Mae was almost fast asleep, her room was quiet except for her music playing. We went back in and picked her up out of her bed. We hugged her tightly and kissed her. We quietly told her that we loved her very much and that we were sorry. We placed her back in her bed and covered her up. I stood there, looking at her sweet face, and told her that I loved her, and that God loved her. She looked back at me and smiled,"I love you too Mommy." Instantly I felt better.

How can I be so terrible to her? She loves me unconditionally and I take advantage of that. How am I worthy of these blessings? I left her in there alone, scared and confused. I broke her sweet innocent spirit. It was so very wrong of me. I know I make mistakes, but I am learning how to correct them. I am learning to ask forgiveness. I am learning to be a better Mom, Wife and child of God. I can tell you, I have a long way to go.

Never go to bed angry, especially at your children. Never should they go to bed with even a shadow of a doubt about how much you love them and care for them. My children are my "reward" from God and I need to treat them as such.


Brooklyn said...

Well put. This is exactly what I needed to hear. I am battling a 3 yr old with an additude! Sometimes I just have to walk away. Thank you for this!!!!! :)

Lauren said...

Seeking forgiveness from our children is one of the hardest things to do. Our pride seems to rise up and get in the way. But it is so rewarding in the end because they are always so quick to forgive and to love on you. :-) Thanks for the encouragement!!

He & Me + 3 said...

We have all been there. So glad that children are resilient and love us no matter what. They forgive so much easier than we do too. They teach us things so often. Great post.

Emmy said...

Yes as much as we want our kids to do what is right, we cannot force them, that is Satan's plan.

Heather said...

Asking forgiveness is always hard. And the older the person you have offended is, the harder it is to ask. I think one of the hardest things God calls us to be is humble.

You are doing great little mommy!

Beth Zimmerman said...

One of the most important lessons I learned as a mother was the importance of asking forgiveness of my children when I was wrong. It has not alwyas been easy but it has preserved lines of communication and reassured them that they too can make mistakes and still be loved!

LaVonne said...

Well we go through this too. I have to walk away sometimes too. I have told her sorry many times. She forgives and forgets so easily. She loves me so much. I am blessed!

Thanks for being real and sharing this post.