Friday, December 31, 2010

Crashing Like The Waves

This post may hurt your feelings, make you feel uncomfortable or make you mad. I'm sorry in advance. Just read it to the very end and you may feel differently.

I went to see a friend of mine in the hospital and meet her new baby boy. I was excited..... and not excited at the same time.

I found out that a friends was expecting yesterday. I was excited..... and not excited at the same time.

I saw some belly pictures of an old friend of mine on Facebook who is documenting her growth. I was excited.... and not excited at the same time.

A friend of mine posted that she was having another girl on her Facebook. I was excited.... and not excited at the same time.

I read a comment on Facebook the other day of a young mom who was jokingly complaining about her kids. I thought it was a little funny..... but not after about 2 seconds of thought.

I saw a lady standing beside a building, obviously pregnant, and smoking a cigarette. I was discussed.... and then I was overcome with anger.

My emotions go back and forth, back and forth. I feel like a wave crashing on the beach and then washing back out again.

I want nothing more that to have my best friend call me and scream the words "I'm pregnant!" into my ear. I want nothing more than to look on Facebook and see her belly album.... to see her positive pregnancy test.... to hear her say "It's a ______!".... to see her husband touch her belly and light up when the baby moves.... to have her call me and ask me all kinds of crazy pregnancy questions..... to have her text me at 2 am because she thinks it's "time".... to see her holding her baby in the hospital..... to see her husband hold his child..... to get to hold their sweet baby and spoil it like they spoil mine........... I have faith that it will happen. God is in control and He is faithful.

I can do nothing. I feel like I can do less than nothing actually. I can't even be a true source of comfort for her, because I am not walking in her shoes. There are times when I can't tell if what I am saying helps or hurts. Like this post.... it may help.... it may hurt. If she tells me to delete it, I will. But maybe she won't. I take for granted how blessed I am to be able to so easily conceive. My fertility is not the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. But for my best friend, it is.

She is so much stronger than me. So much that I can't even explain it to you. She humbles me and keeps my faith strong. She has smiled through this entire process, and I know she will continue to. That does not mean she hasn't had tough days. Regardless, she is faithful. She trusts God fully and is leaning on Him.

God is doing amazing things in her life, and her husbands life. I can't wait to see what God has in store for their family.

I pray for them, without ceasing. Won't you pray for them too? Pray for peace, understanding, compassion and patience. Pray that God brings their family home soon. Pray for their hearts to be strong and focused on Him. Just simply pray.


Rachel said...

I understand exactly what she's going through. And my heart hurts for her.

The only thing that brought me comfort in our own fertility struggle, was that I could hold onto the fact that God was still good. God still had a plan for me.

My biggest mistake was putting my entire life on hold while I tried to conceive. While I begged and judged and saw how unfair life could be. Instead of allowing God to use that time.

My biggest lesson was not to waste the hard things.

God's inside joke was giving us a baby 7 years after the struggle began... long after I'd stopped hoping.

Praying that God continues to use her (if it's the sweetheart who I think it is, God is already using her in mighty ways), and that He would grow them as a couple, bless them, and give them the desires of their hearts in His perfect timing.

Much love... and praying for baby news in 2011!

Heather said...

You should know, you are such a blessing in my life. Seeing God grow you and grow in you has increased my own faith ten-fold. You are a precious child of God who truly loves people. And I love you. We have different hurts in life, but mine are yours and yours are mine and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Tiffany said...

Ugh. When our friends hurt, we hurt. And it doesnt matter whether or not we have gone through the exact struggle. That is the beauty of Christian fellowship. We can walk together through struggles. I will be praying for her. We have friends who have been going through the same struggle for 4 years. Every pregnancy we rejoice and cry together. You are doing right by your friend.

Emmy said...

My SIL thought she was never going to be able to have children and so seeing others have their babies and the families they wanted was so hard for her.

It helped me to learn you never ever ask, when are you going to have a baby or questions like that as you just never know what someone is going through