Heather finally wrote about what she and her husband have been going through. She used her blog as a journal (for the first time in a long time) and really spoke her mind. She let things out that I was sure she would hold in. I feel like now it is okay for me to do the same thing. If Eric or Heather asks me to delete this, I will with no question. This post is for me, but since it is their lives I must use caution. You can read her post here if you want to be up to speed on what they are going through. I will warn you, it isn't easy to read. It is not some sugar coated, watered down post. It is real life and it is deep. As I have watched these two people that I love so much go through this, I have been amazed.
Amazed by Gods grace and mercy.
Amazed at how Eric and Heather are dealing with what has been laid in front of them.
Amazed at how badly I want to understand, but never will.
Amazed at how my flesh feels about this whole situation.
Amazed at how my spirit is dealing with everything.
My flesh is weak and feels broken and depressed for them. My flesh is mad. My flesh hates this. My flesh questions God. My flesh wants to rationalize this. But what can I say, it is my flesh and it is rotten. A lot of me hurts still and has not recovered fully. A little piece of me wishes none of this had ever happened.
Then my spirit breaks in and gets control.
My spirit is strong because the LORD is my strength. My spirit is joyful in all things. My spirit know that God makes no mistakes and does all things for a reason. My spirit is okay with not knowing why God allowed this to happen. My spirit is not broken, instead it is stronger and more focused. My spirit is the only thing that has kept me from walking away from the God I love.
Today I am grateful for the spirit God has put inside of me.
I have cried happy and sad tears for them. For 3 years I wanted to hear her say the words "I'm pregnant". Finally she did, and honestly I was more excited when she told me she was pregnant than I was when I found out I was pregnant (no joke. Yes" mother of the year" material I know.) I was also more crushed by their loss than I think I was by my own heaven born baby (yeah I know, I am just clean sweeping that mother of the year award with this post, huh? oh well. Honesty isn't always pretty.) Nothing has made me question my faith more than this. Nothing. Unfortunately, a lot of this stems from selfishness.
I want to see them pregnant
I want to throw them a baby shower
I want to stand outside of the hospital room and listen for the first cry of their baby
I want to hold their baby
I want to see them kiss their baby
I want to see them hold their baby and cherish their baby
I want to hear all the stories of how the middle of the night diaper changes went horribly wrong
I want so much for them.
I am selfish and I am learning to leave the planning to God. I know God wants all of this too, He just wants it in HIS time. His timing is perfect, mine is not. Right now I want to be able to do so much for them, but all I can do is pray. It feels like I am doing so little. It feels like I am ignoring them and not grieving well enough for them. It feels like it can't be enough. I know deep down though that my prayers are enough right now. God is enough for them. I see it on their faces. I know they are struggling in their own way, but they are strong... and growing stronger. I know they are trusting God fully and are being obedient to Him. I will never be able to wrap my head around all of this, but I also don't need to.
One thing is certain, Heather and Eric are parents. Their sweet baby is sitting with Jesus and waiting for them. My sweet friend Heather is a Mommy and my cousin Eric is a Daddy. Nothing can ever take that away from them.