Tuesday, May 17, 2011

All I Have Is Prayer...

Heather finally wrote about what she and her husband have been going through. She used her blog as a journal (for the first time in a long time) and really spoke her mind. She let things out that I was sure she would hold in. I feel like now it is okay for me to do the same thing. If Eric or Heather asks me to delete this, I will with no question. This post is for me, but since it is their lives I must use caution. You can read her post here if you want to be up to speed on what they are going through. I will warn you, it isn't easy to read. It is not some sugar coated, watered down post. It is real life and it is deep. As I have watched these two people that I love so much go through this, I have been amazed.

Amazed by Gods grace and mercy.

Amazed at how Eric and Heather are dealing with what has been laid in front of them.

Amazed at how badly I want to understand, but never will.

Amazed at how my flesh feels about this whole situation.

Amazed at how my spirit is dealing with everything.

My flesh is weak and feels broken and depressed for them. My flesh is mad. My flesh hates this. My flesh questions God. My flesh wants to rationalize this. But what can I say, it is my flesh and it is rotten. A lot of me hurts still and has not recovered fully. A little piece of me wishes none of this had ever happened.

Then my spirit breaks in and gets control.

My spirit is strong because the LORD is my strength. My spirit is joyful in all things. My spirit know that God makes no mistakes and does all things for a reason. My spirit is okay with not knowing why God allowed this to happen. My spirit is not broken, instead it is stronger and more focused. My spirit is the only thing that has kept me from walking away from the God I love.

Today I am grateful for the spirit God has put inside of me.

I have cried happy and sad tears for them. For 3 years I wanted to hear her say the words "I'm pregnant". Finally she did, and honestly I was more excited when she told me she was pregnant than I was when I found out I was pregnant (no joke. Yes" mother of the year" material I know.) I was also more crushed by their loss than I think I was by my own heaven born baby (yeah I know, I am just clean sweeping that mother of the year award with this post, huh? oh well. Honesty isn't always pretty.) Nothing has made me question my faith more than this. Nothing. Unfortunately, a lot of this stems from selfishness.

I want to see them pregnant

I want to throw them a baby shower

I want to stand outside of the hospital room and listen for the first cry of their baby

I want to hold their baby

I want to see them kiss their baby

I want to see them hold their baby and cherish their baby

I want to hear all the stories of how the middle of the night diaper changes went horribly wrong

I want so much for them.

I am selfish and I am learning to leave the planning to God. I know God wants all of this too, He just wants it in HIS time. His timing is perfect, mine is not. Right now I want to be able to do so much for them, but all I can do is pray. It feels like I am doing so little. It feels like I am ignoring them and not grieving well enough for them. It feels like it can't be enough. I know deep down though that my prayers are enough right now. God is enough for them. I see it on their faces. I know they are struggling in their own way, but they are strong... and growing stronger. I know they are trusting God fully and are being obedient to Him. I will never be able to wrap my head around all of this, but I also don't need to.

One thing is certain, Heather and Eric are parents. Their sweet baby is sitting with Jesus and waiting for them. My sweet friend Heather is a Mommy and my cousin Eric is a Daddy. Nothing can ever take that away from them.


Heather said...

You are precious to me.

Beth Zimmerman said...

Praying for them. I'm not sure which pain is worse, infertility or miscarriage. People who will help carry your pain is one of the greatest blessings in the midst of it. Thank you for being there for them!

Bright & Beautiful Learning Center said...

Amy, I cried when I read this... and one of the things I thought (selfishly) was - I wished I had had someone like you to walk with me on my journey (many years ago) through infertility and miscarriage. It would have made the journey a little easier to bear. You are an amazing friend to them both. God bless you for your love and kindness to Heather. You ARE precious! Bridget

Jenn Earle said...

Amy this is precious! I completely understand though how we can be more excited for her to be pregnant than ourselves! For me I know that she wants it more than I did when I found out I was pregnant. (so now im with you on the mother of the year award as well ha). But seriously I know that she wants it more than I do and that she would cherish being pregnant and appreciate it more than I did. And I would be so excited for that. God will make His plan known and your right it is all about His timing and not ours.

Rachel said...

Thankful that we are never alone. Can you imagine going through this without knowing God? Or knowing that God has a reason, even though we don't understand.

Sweet friend, it broke my heart in half to read Heather's words. Like you, I rejoiced and wept with happiness when I received the "we're pregnant!" news. And I just ached to see the "we're not anymore".

Continuing to pray for His mercies. For healing. THANKING HIM and celebrating that beautiful little child who is waiting for Heather and Eric.

This is hard.

Kelly said...

Amy, this post just proves that you are not selfish. You are hurting for your friend, your pain is for someone else and that is anything but selfish!

I'm so sorry that they had to deal with this. I'm so sorry this happened.

I'm sorry for your loss too! My heart is breaking for you all. Prayers for your friends and you.

Sarah said...

Amy this is so sweet. I can relate so much to a lot of what you wrote. I too have never wanted anyone to be pregnant more, nor begged God so hard for that on anyone else's behalf. It is so hard to know that all we can really do is pray, but I know we serve an awesome God and He can see so much more than we can. We will continue to pray and to believe that nothing is impossible with God.