Friday, February 25, 2011

Venting

I wanted to take Lula Mae out for a biscuit this morning to get the kids out of the house. Getting out of the house was fine. Eating was fine. Leaving was..... not.

We don't have to deal with public meltdowns often (and I am very thankful for that) but they do happen from time to time. Today was one of those times.

She refused my instruction. She quickly began giving me that horrible look. Then as I grabbed her hand to help encourage her to come, the fit really got started. The screaming was loud and the flailing was strong. While trying to hold on to a flailing toddler and carry a huge infant seat I could hear many comments and see all the funny looks. I could barley make it out the door before I began to cry.

How could they judge my child and my ability to parent by a two minuet period they witnessed? They don't know me. They don't know her. They have no idea what our home life is like. They have no idea how old I am (although it really get under my skin every time I hear someone say "She's too young to have kids, that's her problem.") I am well aware of my short stature and young face. I know that I have two small children close in age. None of that gives anyone the right to judge me, my child or my parenting.

I have a very strong willed daughter. Stronger than strong willed! That trait will be a gift someday I am sure. She will be a strong woman and I will never have to worry about her "doing it because every one else is doing it". Her will may also cause her many problems because there is a time for just going with the flow and not being so assertive. She will have to learn that delicate balance as she grows.

Do you have any idea how tough it is to feel as though you are not doing anything right? We all feel like that from time to time, right? It's not just me.... right???? I hope I'm not alone on this one. These days Lula Mae has been tough and Jayce has been tougher. I feel as though I can do nothing right for either of them. I feel like my emotions are never where they need to be.

Jayce is very cranky. Don't get me wrong, he is a good baby, a sweet baby... just fussy and not as content as most babies. I feel like nothing I do makes him happy. I feel like I can't please him. I'm his mom and I can't make him happy. All day long I feel defeated.

Lula Mae is testing every boundary possible. Her temper worries me. Her behavior confuses me from day to day. Her lows are lower than they ever have been before. I feel like all the effort I am putting into her is a waste. Nothing I do works these days.

Even though Jayce is cranky I know he loves me. I know deep down he is happy. But I am still lost in a sea of emotions. I know Lula Mae is benefiting from what I am teaching her about God and His love for her. I know that she has a huge heart and is quick to forgive and ask forgiveness. But I am still mentally exhausted by the battles.

I am not telling you this so that you feel bad for me or to make you think I hate my life. Believe me, I am exactly where I want to be. I am telling you this because writing is therapeutic for me. If no one reads this, I don't care. If no one comments, it won't change anything. Just know that I am in need of your prayers. I need you to pray that I stay focused on God. If I just stay focused on Him every other decision will be easier. God is working on me every single day and I am humbled by His grace and mercy.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
-Philippians 4:13

5 comments:

Rachel said...

Oh girlie - parenthood is ROUGH!

And the part that really gets me, is that it is a constant adjusting that happens. What works one day, may not work the next. And it's just like how God deals with us... patiently molding us by our own learning style.

I know it's easy to feel defeated - especially when you have meltdowns in public... but I guess that's where I turn a "deaf ear" (ha ha) to side comments and just focus on what is happening at that moment.

(Have you read The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. Dobson? It's good, really good).

And I am far, FAR from perfect... but my mother still claims that I was the most strong-willed child she ever met. And I wholeheartedly believe her. But you're absolutely right, as she learns self-control, she is far less likely to go along with the crowd in bad decisions (you stole a page from Dr. Dobson on that part).

Praying for you... we all have those days, those periods.

deepintheheartoftexas2 said...

Rachel is right that book is good. Grace based Parenting is also good. R is a very stubborn child and oh so two. She has meltdowns at leaving the park, all the time.

Don't listen to others trust me on this one. I have and it only end up hurting you. I am 5'2 and also young although older than you. I once got how old is your sister i.e. my kid. My sister was a strong willed child and is a very smart almost college grad, heading off to grad school soon.

As far as parenting go also makes sure that you and hubby agree. Have in yourself and the job you are doing. Who cares what others think.

Tiffany said...

Hugs and prayers to you, friend! The advice you got from Rachel & Deepintheheartoftexas are exactly what I would have said. You, and you alone, are the expert on how best to parent your precious babies. They will be ok, and so will you.

Sarah said...

Amy, I know you work so hard at parenting...don't be discouraged. I know exactly what it feels like. Being a young mom too with lots of kids close in age I struggle with a lot of the same things. I can tell you that I have cried several nights this past week when my hubby gets home...just because I am overwhelmed, and the girls were disobedient, whiny, etc. and I feel like I'm not nearly patient enough and sometimes I wonder what in the world I think I'm doing! But God saw fit to bless us with the children we have and hard as it may be we just have to be consistent and stick with it and believe that it will pay off.

I'm praying for you! :-)

Emmy said...

Girl I can so so relate on the looking young thing! I am 30 but people think I should barely be out of high school so I totally feel the same way if my kids are going crazy somewhere.

I will have to blog out our Chick Filet experience sometime and you will realize it happens to all of us and yes people will judge us in those two minutes but those people are idiots and aren't worth worrying about.

I often hear people say difficult babies end up becoming the sweetest and best kids :) So don't you worry one bit.