We don't have to deal with public meltdowns often (and I am very thankful for that) but they do happen from time to time. Today was one of those times.
She refused my instruction. She quickly began giving me that horrible look. Then as I grabbed her hand to help encourage her to come, the fit really got started. The screaming was loud and the flailing was strong. While trying to hold on to a flailing toddler and carry a huge infant seat I could hear many comments and see all the funny looks. I could barley make it out the door before I began to cry.
How could they judge my child and my ability to parent by a two minuet period they witnessed? They don't know me. They don't know her. They have no idea what our home life is like. They have no idea how old I am (although it really get under my skin every time I hear someone say "She's too young to have kids, that's her problem.") I am well aware of my short stature and young face. I know that I have two small children close in age. None of that gives anyone the right to judge me, my child or my parenting.
I have a very strong willed daughter. Stronger than strong willed! That trait will be a gift someday I am sure. She will be a strong woman and I will never have to worry about her "doing it because every one else is doing it". Her will may also cause her many problems because there is a time for just going with the flow and not being so assertive. She will have to learn that delicate balance as she grows.
Do you have any idea how tough it is to feel as though you are not doing anything right? We all feel like that from time to time, right? It's not just me.... right???? I hope I'm not alone on this one. These days Lula Mae has been tough and Jayce has been tougher. I feel as though I can do nothing right for either of them. I feel like my emotions are never where they need to be.
Jayce is very cranky. Don't get me wrong, he is a good baby, a sweet baby... just fussy and not as content as most babies. I feel like nothing I do makes him happy. I feel like I can't please him. I'm his mom and I can't make him happy. All day long I feel defeated.
Lula Mae is testing every boundary possible. Her temper worries me. Her behavior confuses me from day to day. Her lows are lower than they ever have been before. I feel like all the effort I am putting into her is a waste. Nothing I do works these days.
Even though Jayce is cranky I know he loves me. I know deep down he is happy. But I am still lost in a sea of emotions. I know Lula Mae is benefiting from what I am teaching her about God and His love for her. I know that she has a huge heart and is quick to forgive and ask forgiveness. But I am still mentally exhausted by the battles.
I am not telling you this so that you feel bad for me or to make you think I hate my life. Believe me, I am exactly where I want to be. I am telling you this because writing is therapeutic for me. If no one reads this, I don't care. If no one comments, it won't change anything. Just know that I am in need of your prayers. I need you to pray that I stay focused on God. If I just stay focused on Him every other decision will be easier. God is working on me every single day and I am humbled by His grace and mercy.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me