It's My Move

Parenting is always a challenge. I didn't expect it to be easy when we decided to start our family roughly 4 years ago. Even though I knew it wouldn't be easy, I never imagined it being this hard. Don't get me wrong, I adore my children and am grateful to have them. I would not change one thing about my life, but that doesn't mean I am not entitled to some frustration along the way. Even the most joyful people have doubts, fears, anxiety... at least every now and then.

This past week has been a whirl wind. My children have been tag teaming me. Typically when one is difficult the other senses it and gives me a break. This past week the both were beyond difficult. No rest for the weary.

I have a 3 year old who is incredibly smart and that makes her more difficult a majority of the time. Not to mention that she is strong willed like crazy! She can not be distracted easily like most children. She understands things so clearly that she tries to reason with you and rationalize every.single.thing.you.say. Literally EVERYTHING! She is not like that all the time, but when she is it is tough. She is testing her limitations, trying to see what we are going to let her get away with.

I have a 1 year old who is teething 4 molars and one other tooth. 5 teeth folks. FIVE freaking teeth at one time! Would you be happy? I can't blame him much, for that part at least. Now I can blame him a bit for this new desire to throw temper tantrums. Aren't they starting a bit early??? I thought so too. To add to his difficulty lets throw in that he is still healing internally from his gluten intolerance and cannot tell when he is actually hungry. Instead his body feels hungry all day long. His intestines don't know which signals to send to his brain so it continuously sends hunger. He can eat an entire meal, like adult sized meal, get down out of the highchair and beg to get back in. He cries and begs for food all day long as though he hasn't eaten in days. My heart aches for him because I clearly can't let him eat every waking minute of the day. He would be sick and we would go broke from the grocery bill. And yet he understands none of that. So he begs and cries and throw fits.... for food. And all I can do is tell him no and try to distract him until at least an hour passes so I can offer him a snack.

I'm exhausted.

This past week with all of this going on I didn't see God. I haven't felt Him working. I haven't seen His grace. God just wasn't in my line of sight. He was hidden in my blind spot somewhere. We all have those times where we feel like we don't really know ourselves anymore. Times where we fall flat on our face in our faith and wonder if there is any way to get back up again. I was there last week. I raised my voice at my kids too much, I held them at too high of a standard and watched them fail, I showed them no grace, I belittled them.... I did not show them Jesus at all. Maybe here and there during our bible time or something, but not through my life.

This is how everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.
John 13:35

My spirit is beginning to lift and I see God all over the place now. But there is good reason for that. God doesn't have a big giant blinking sign that says "HERE I AM!" nor does he wear neon colored shirts so that we just can't miss Him. There are times when he blends into the background and waits. He waits for us. Yes, He does pursue us, but not always. Sometimes He waits for you to pursue Him. Last week I wasn't pursing Him, instead I wanted Him to do all the work. He wanted me to make the next move instead of Him. He was there even though I felt so alone, He never left.... He just waited quietly and patiently.

Now that I am pursing Him, I see Him. I made my move and all of a sudden, I don't feel as exhausted. My children have been difficult, but they deserve the best from me no matter what the circumstance. The deserve to see Jesus in me so that they can learn how to follow Him and bring glory to Him with their lives. If they don't see God at home, where will they see Him? How will they grow up strong in their faith if they don't see it at home?

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
Deuteronomy 6:5-9

I want my children to find that narrow path. I want them to desire to do the right thing for God and His glory. I pray that my children will find that narrow gate and enter it even though I am making so many mistakes. They deserve so much better than what I can give them.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the laws of the prophets. Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.
Matthew 7:12-14

Parenting is always going to be hard, but I am clinging to this...

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6