Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Drained

These past few weeks I have felt so... out of it (for lack of a better term).

Lula Mae has been testing a lot of waters these days and has been quite a handful, which always wears me down. It is so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my sweet little girl is just as full of sin as I am. She can't be perfect and I shouldn't expect her to be. Why is that so hard for me??? I fail at this over and over and over again! Lately though I can't help but wonder if I am royally screwing her up. I don't know why, I just do. I keep forgetting that God is in control if her and her life.... not me. I have really had to focus on giving her life to Him and trusting that He is helping me raise her for His kingdom. On my own I would surely fail.... with Him all things are possible!

Jayce is now completely off the bottle and the pacifier. He is doing great and is such a good sport. I feel like my baby boy is growing up way to fast. I am worried I missing so much of his babyhood even though I am right here. Funny how even a stay at home mom can feel as though she doesn't get enough time with her kids. Seeing him change so quickly makes me realize just how fleeting this life is.

Emotionally is feel exhausted. I feel like the world is spinning 5 times faster than it should be. I feel like people can tell I am in a weird spot right now, as though it is tattooed on my forehead.

Physically I feel awkward. I look at myself against the other girls my age at church and I feel so out of place. I am nothing like them. I just don't fit in and I feel odd. I don't know that I will ever have friends instead of acquaintances.

Spiritually I feel drained. I feel like I have been screaming to God at the top of my lungs. You know that feeling of being this person.... "Well I called a couple of times already. I left a message. And I sent some text messages. Then I sent an email or two. Oh and I drove to their house and left a note on the door."... I kinda feel like God is avoiding me like I am some kind of stalker. Unfortunately, I am a bad listener and that is not a good quality. I know I need to devote myself to more quite time because God is talking..... I am just too consumed with life to hear Him. He would never avoid me. He hears my heart even when I don't know it's talking to Him. Even knowing this I still feel drained. I need to pour myself into the word and listen.

I have something big that I am praying about that seems a little out there (again, for lack of a better term). It isn't something I can't really tell you much about... sorry, I know that is the worst kinda thing to read! Just know that I could really use your prayers in this one.... it's big.... Rachel I am sure you are smiling ;-) gasp, Amy sharing a prayer request! I can really use tons of prayers but I really am not big on asking. I don't know why, but it is a little foreign to me.

So there you have it folks. A big old post that makes no since in which I make myself completely vulnerable. My heart has just been so anxious and writing is such therapy for me. Unfortunately for you all my journal is part of your viewing pleasure.

4 comments:

LaVonne @ Long Wait said...

I love this post, Amy. Every post you have that is this real, is always my favorite. Especially since I often feel the EXACT same way. Thanks for sharing with us all. And know that you are not alone. Most of us feel this way, I am sure.

Praying for you tonight.

Blessings,
LaVonne @ Long Wait For Isabella

Rachel said...

Oh my goodness girl, I think what you said would resonate with a lot of people. At least it does for me - and look at LaVonne's comment too!

I *am* grinning... because I will certainly pray for you. I don't need the details because I know God knows them and will direct your steps and provide for you to do His will.

And the kid/parenthood thing. I feel like that EVERYDAY. Wondering if I have screwed my kid up. Thinking about all of the things I *should* have done, and yet - God is still in control. I only have a pretense of control when He just asks to let us be used by Him.

Your kids are loved, your husband is loved, YOU are loved. And comparing yourself to others... tsk tsk - this wrecks me every time. (And don't you know, we always compare our worst to someone else's best? And we have no idea what their struggles are?)

God delights in you. YOU. You were that baby that someone once wondered if they were raising right. And God got a hold of you and look what happened :)

Emmy said...

Hey even if it doesn't make total since as you can't fill in the details that is totally fine. Venting and releasing it all can be very healing itself. Just remember with Lula Mae- a lot of it is her age. I know everyone always says that but it is true- and this to shall pass.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Tiffany said...

And I am such a bad bloggy friend that I am just now finding this post! GAAH!!!

Please know that you are on my mind & heart daily, even if I forget to visit.