Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A year

Yesterday it was a year.

Has it really already been a year?

Happy 1st re-birth day Uncle Larry. For a year now you have been worshiping God in your new body. A body with no infection, a body with both legs. You have been home for a year.

I thought that after a year I would feel less regret. Somehow, over the past year it is gotten so much worse.

When he first passed I couldn't even cry. I had cried so much over the month prior to his passing that I felt such relief when the time actually came that I couldn't fester up a single tear. Do you know how horrible it makes you feel when you actually feel glad that someone is gone? I felt so wrong yet I know it is exactly how Uncle Larry would have wanted me to feel.

Death is not easy. It is such a tug of war between joy and sorrow. Our flesh feels such pain and sadness for ourselves left here, while our believing spirit feels such happiness for them.

I should have gone to see him.

I should have been there for him with the rest of the family.

It would have meant a lot to him.

Instead, I stayed home. I was worried about me. I didn't want to go because it would be hard to see him like that. I didn't want to go because I didn't want everyone else to see me broken. I like to be tough and be the support that others need. So, for all of those selfish reasons I didn't go.

I missed my chance to hear his voice one more time. I missed my chance to feel his strong arms around me one last time. I missed my chance to tell him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. If I could rewind time and do it all again I would. Funny how you never regret doing the right thing but when you do the wrong thing it eats away at you for the rest of your life.

Yesterday was hard. Harder than the day he passed. I was in a horrible mood and just couldn't shake it. I wanted nothing more than to hear my Uncle Larry's voice say "hello sweetheart". All day I thought about how different things would be, how different I would feel, if I would have just gone to see him.

My Uncle Larry was an amazing man. He loved the Lord and lived for Him. He was so incredible that there is not enough space on my blog to tell you all about him. I want so badly to be like him someday. He truly tried to be like Christ and I am honored to have been his niece. I am trying to be joyful today, but it is hard.

"We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:8

This was one of his favorite songs and I think of him every single time I hear it. Pray for my Aunt Mary as she continues to adjust to life without Uncle Larry. Also, pray for his children and grandchildren as their hearts continue to heal. Tomorrow will be a better day.


Emmy said...

So sorry. I didn't attend my grandfather's funeral when I was a teenager for a lot of my own selfish reasons and still often regret it.

Heather said...

Missing Uncle Larry with you sweet friend. He was an incredible man.

Rachel said...

I love that song too.

And I am sorry for your regret. I learned that there is so much loving that happens as you are there for someone in the hard parts of their end of life. Real loving - like caring for things that are not pleasant.

But the mind is funny... those things never ever outweighed the good memories - and when I think of those that I loved who I helped care for and watched die... I remember the happy healthy things.

Asking God to ease your regret... to reassure you of His unconditional love and your uncle's love too. To unload this burden that He does not place on you.

Glad you have wonderful memories of him - he sounds amazing!