The Person I Am On Facebook

Deception. That really is the best way to describe it.

I am not the person you see on Facebook. My life does resemble that person, and the things I post are true life events, but in the grand scheme of things I am not that person. Not even a little bit.

On Facebook I am super woman, I am an amazing Mom, I should win Wife Of The Year, my home is perfect, I am always put together and wearing makeup, my kids are sweet little angles who say the sweetest things, I spend countless hours filling myself with God's Word, I am always filled with joy.... and the list could go on and on. This is the person I let you see. Why? Because the true me is just not good enough to post for the worlds viewing pleasure.

The real me forgets about the same load of laundry all day until I finally have to run the washer again just to be sure nothing got molded.

The real me sprays a little air freshener through the house before my husband comes home to give the illusion that I "cleaned". 

The real me does not show my husband the respect he deserves on a daily basis.

The real me does not submit to my husband the way that God commands, and if I do it is with a bad attitude... which basically means I haven't submitted at all.  

The real me rarely puts on clothes that don't closely resemble pajamas, much less fix my hair or do my make up.

The real me is the Mom I hoped I would never turn into. One who yells and says things to her kids that I regret as soon as they fly out of my mouth.

The real me has kids who disobey and throw fits.

The real me squeezes in quiet time with God and rushes through my Bible time simply to be able to say I have done it that day.

The real me is rarely joyful and has an attitude of  selfishness and ungratefulness.

See what I mean? The real me just would not get a lot of "likes" on Facebook, and who wants that? We all want to be "liked" and so we show the world only what we want them to see... the good stuff. The truth is, there is a whole lot more bad stuff in me than good stuff. I long to be the person I am on Facebook.

Luckily, I don't have to be perfect. I am not expected to be the perfect wife, be the perfect mom, have the perfect house, have the perfect kids and have my life completely together. God knows I can't be these things on my own. His only expectation of me is that I come to him, broken, ready to accept the gift He has bought for me at such a great cost. He wants me to know how broken I am so that I can fully understand how precious His gift is. He expects me to wake up each day and ask for His help to be all the things that He calls me to be. He knows my life is not the picturesque one that I post to Facebook, and He loves me in spite of that. Yet I just struggle with loving myself in spite of all my failures.

I want my life to live up to the one I show the world on Facebook, but instead of focusing on that I want to simply focus on living a life worthy of the Gospel, a life that brings glory to God. I love God with all my heart, soul and mind and I want that to show on more than just Facebook. I want that to show to my children, my husband, the cashier at the store, my small group, my friends, my family, the stranger on the bread aisle with me.... I want it to show each and everyday, to the world! 

The Softest Painful Things Ever....

So, I am pumping, for technically the very first time.... yeah.... ummmmmmm.....


Two words....


TOWELS and SHOWER


My worst enemies. How can two of the softest things you can think of hurt so bad?


Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. 


I will survive this..... but again I say.... ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch!!!!

A New Chapter

On August 23, 2013 at 4:44 pm a chapter of my life came to an end. The sweet baby girl God grew within me was born! 8 lbs 5 oz and 21 1/2 inches long, beautiful child. She is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, a true masterpiece of God! My labor and delivery was drenched in God's grace and His mercy! Every second of every minute I could feel God working and moving. It is an experience I will never forget as long as I live!

Our surrogacy journey has come to an end and a new chapter in my life has started. There is no longer a baby growing inside of me. Now she is in the arms of her mother and father, being loved beyond measure! They have waited with empty arms for so long, and now they are holding a sweet baby! My arms and womb are empty but my heart is so full! This journey has filled me with more joy than I ever thought possible. God has left me speechless!

While the surrogacy is over, this is not the end. Now I get to enjoy watching my dear friends raise their little girl! It will be a lifelong journey that I am so blessed to be a part of. Still, the chapter of my life is changing. I can't help but wonder what this new chapter will look like? The last one was so distinct, so profound, so amazing! How do you follow that?

I am not sure what the new chapter will look like exactly, but that's okay. I know it will involve being a mommy, a wife, a friend. There will be homeschooling, family trips, activities, adventures, fun times, hard times, times that make me want to pull my hair out.... this chapter will be full of all kinds of things and I am excited to see where it takes me!

To everyone who joined us on our surrogacy journey, thank you. Thank you for your support, encouragement and prayers. I can't fully express how much it meant to me! From the bottom of my heart, thank you! I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did, but I hope even more that God used it in your life somehow.

32 Weeks And Counting

 

This was me at 30 weeks actually but hey, what can I say.... I have been a little bit too busy to take a ton of pictures! My goodness having a 5 year old and a 3 year old and being pregnant is crazy! Way different from my last experience for sure! I feel great however and am having a great pregnancy. But when bedtime rolls around I KNOW IT! My body is DONE at the end of the day for sure! Sweet Amelia is still the calmest baby I have every had the pleasure of carrying. She is such a delicate little mover. I can't wait to see if she keeps that up once she enters the world! Which, can you believe we are nearing the end of this journey already? Crazy! If I go early like I did with my two kids I could technically have her in like 4 weeks! WOW! I am not ready (even though I know her Mommy and Daddy are MORE than ready!). I want to enjoy my last little bit of time with her. I adore having this life being formed within me. It is an amazing thing that I just can't explain well enough with words. This little baby is teaching me so much! God is using this experience to grow me in ways I never thought possible. So while I will be excited for delivery... I don't want to rush it at all.  Lula Mae is starting to get excited to see what she will look like. She loves telling people about her surro-sister and is really understanding everything well. I know after she is born we may hit some bumps with the kids, but I am confident that God is ready to handle them! 

Lula Mae and Jayce are just as crazy as ever. Jayce is actually making a lot of progress with his behavior these days, and for that I am thankful! Lula Mae however.... well, no one told me 5 was gonna be such a challenge! WOW! That girls will gets stronger and stronger every day I swear! She is quite difficult these days, but I love her too much to give up on her. I tell her that probably 6 times a day! God has a plan for that girl and I can't wait to see what it is! 

Blog world... I miss you! I miss everything about you! I am ready to quit making excesses and just get back to what I enjoy! I hope all has been well out there in blogland! I am so far behind and will never "catch up" but I will certainly pick back up and enjoy your wonderful blogs! Ahhhh, free therapy... and trust me this momma needs a little therapy these days!

THE Question

There is one question that I get more than others....

"How are you gonna do that?"

My first reaction, which I bite my tongue and don't say out loud, is "well I am going to push this baby out just like my other kids, hopefully". But that is rude, and I don't say that. Plus I know thats not what they really mean anyway.... or at least I hope that is not what they actually mean....  

I know they really mean "How are you gonna hand over this baby?".

I guess they are expecting some long drawn out answer where I cry and and tell them I don't know. They always look confused by my answer.

I tell them I am not going to do it at all, God is. I tell them I am going to take it one day at a time, and pray every second of the way.

They also look at me crazy when I tell them this pregnancy is different than my others were. I have different feelings, different emotions, different everything. Don't get me wrong, I love her and feel connected to her, but it's so different. I truly believe God prepared me emotionally for this journey long before He even brought the desire to my heart.

I can't wait to deliver this baby. It will be wonderful and amazing and so incredibly special! I am more excited to see Esther and Scott hold their little girl for the first time! It will be a moment I treasure forever!

So how am I gonna do it? Only by the grace of God, joyfully and for God's glory! 

Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for God's glory. 

 -1 Corinthians 10:31

When that day comes, yes I may have hormonal emotions to sort out, but I know my God is more than capable of dealing with those. I just feel so much peace and so much joy that I can't think to make myself look at delivery day any other way.

By God's grace I met this couple. By God's grace I am carrying this baby. By God's grace He is using me to bring this baby into the world healthy and safe. By God's grace this journey will have a beautiful ending!

Esther and Scott are being blessed with a baby through this journey, but the blessing I am getting is multiplied by a million!

My Boy Is Three

Somehow it just does not seem possible that my little guy is three years old today. Where has time gone? This kid has taught us so much, and brings so much excitement to our lives! God really knew what He was doing bringing him into our lives three years ago. As soon as I saw him he seemed so small, even though he was bigger than his sister at birth. I have not stopped feeling that way yet. He is my tiny little man, but his spirit is enormous!

 

 

 My oh my, how he has changed.... and yet he is still my tiny little guy! His allergies are still a struggle and his skin has more bad days than good, but he is making improvements and that is wonderful! He is learning how to deal with a lot of these issues too, and that is making it easier on us. He is able to tell us when he needs medicine and things like that. Here are a few stats about Jayce...

Height: 34 inches

Weight: 25.6 lbs 

Favorite foods: bananas, cheese, avocados and anything sweet! 

Favorite books: The Bible, Berenstain Bears books, David and Goliath, Goodnight Moon... and lots more! He is quite a book lover now! 

Favorite toys: His drums (he is a natural people!) cars and trucks, rocks and his "sling" (to play David and Goliath of course) dice, Roger (his space ship... that he named Roger) 

Favorite color: blue and green (he only tells me 800 times a day.... so yeah, I'm sure about this one!) 

He loves to wear his pajamas... and chance he gets he asks to put them back on. 

He loves to watch his David and Goliath DVD.... he would watch it over and over if we let him. 

He loves to sing, mostly worship songs. He sings almost all day long, non stop. He is mu musical child for sure! 

He gets his feelings hurt very easily and wears his heart on his sleeve. He is a sensitive little man!

He still has deep eyes, like those of an old man who has seen so much. 

He adores his big sister and always wants to spend more time with her than she does with him. 

He looks up to his Daddy and loves him so much! 

He loves to be outside. 

He is very serious.... but when he is in a silly mood, his laugh and smile are precious! 

He is not a fan of yucky smells.... the chickens and the farm were a no-go in his book. 

He loves to come up and just give you a big hug and say he loves you. 

He is amazing and I just love him so much! I look back at how tough things have been with him, and yet I still fill with joy thinking about it all. God made him PERFECTLY and I am focusing on seeing my kids through His eyes, not mine. I am excited to see Jayce grow and learn more about the Lord. I know God has a great plan for his life! I don't know why God picked me to be the Mommy of this amazing little guy, but I sure am thankful! 

Happy birthday sweet Jayce! You are three, can you believe it? I wonder what adventures this next year has in store for you?