Failure

My precious little girl is having a rough time getting back into the swing of things after being sick. Her behavior has really not been normal. Luckily we only have moments of pure insanity, instead of days of pure insanity. She refuses to eat. Really, she is not eating anything that she usually does. It is frustrating. Oh, and just a side note, Jayce did catch the virus and is also not eating. There is a whole lot of not eating in our house and this Momma is not happy. Lula Mae not eating is causing a lot of the behavior problems. Our kitchen table is a battle field and it is tiring. Very, very tiring. There are a few other moments that have been tough. Like today, when I told Lula Mae is was nap time. She never fights about nap... ever! Well, today she did. She screamed at the top of her lungs, flailed her limbs and just acted completely ridiculous. I tired everything. I am trying to be a good example to her and treat her the way I want her to treat me. Unfortunately, 15 minutes into her conniption, I lost it. I slipped back into me old self who thinks that the loudest person wins. I began yelling, popping, stomping, blaming, complaining, fighting. All the behaviors that I hate to see come from my child began pouring out of me. After 15 more minuets of craziness I just held her down in my lap and began praying. Not for her, but for me. She continued to fight and cry. I held her tighter and sang quietly to her. Then I prayed over her. I finally had to just put her in her crib and walk away (once she is upset she needs to be alone. Trying to calm her down is close to impossible we have learned. She works through it better alone.) I went to my room and got my bible. I prayed and cried and read. I had failed her. I failed to be an example of Christ. I failed to show her grace they way He shows me. I had crushed her spirit. I had wronged her in so many ways in merely half an hour or so. Once I heard that she had calmed down I went to her and held her and rocked her. I told her I was sorry and she told me she was sorry. We hugged and sang Jesus Loves Me together. We talked about how we didn't do a good job showing self control (we are learning about self control in school right now) and how we hurt God's feelings by treating each other so mean. When all was said and done we were smiling and singing. She was happy to get tucked in for nap because she was exhausted from the moment of pure insanity. I went back to my room and cried and prayed some more. Then I listened to the sermon I missed last week. It was exactly what I needed to hear! Right now we are doing a series called "Relationships: A Mess Worth Making". My relationship with Lula Mae may be messy sometimes, but it is worth it. She is teaching me that I need to serve her, encourage her, edify her. It isn't always easy, but that's okay. The most important thing she is teaching me is that I am a broken person who need God's grace. God is transforming my heart and I need to focus on Lula Mae's heart. God can accomplish more in Lula Mae than I can. All I can do is set a godly example and pray for her. Praying for her is going to help her so much more than anything else I can do. Folks, it has been a tough day. It has also been a very eye opening day. Sometimes failing is the only way to learn.