Letters Of Intent

Dear Microwave,
We appreciate the work that you have done for us over the past 5 years. We regret to inform you that we are going to have to let you go. We will give you two weeks so that we can save up for a new.... I mean.... so that you are able to make proper arrangements for other employment. You are a vital member of our team, but over the past few weeks we do not feel that you are pulling your weight. A team works together and you seem to be working against us. Why do you hate us? We have been nothing but good to you! We hate to have to replace you but we really do feel it is necessary. We would love to keep you around but you really are too large and cumbersome to be a paper weight, and that is about all you are good for at this stage in your career. We have enjoyed having you and will treasure the meals, snacks and beverages we shared. Please don't take this personal, it really isn't your fault. Okay, yes it is your fault. Sorry there is no nice was to say it other than, you are a slacker. We just can't have a slacker working in such a vital department in our house. Sorry to have to break the news this way, but I think it is for the best.

Regretfully,
The Woman Who Enjoys HOT Food Quickly... Not Lukewarm Food Slowly.


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Dear Hydrangea,
I'm sorry I killed you. I really don't know what happened! I watered you, weeded around you, gave you fertilizer.... and yet you would never know by looking at you. My mother has a wonderful green thumb, as well as all of her sisters. Perhaps I should have let one of them adopt you? I can grow spider plants! They are huge and healthy! The only problem is they aren't pretty! You could have been pretty, had you not withered away and died. I am tempted to just dig you up and plant something else. It probably wouldn't be worth my time since I would just end up killing it too. No need to start a plant genocide I guess. Again, sorry I killed you. I promise it was not intentional! I will try harder next year!

Rest in peace my friend

Sincerely,
Your Horrible Owner Who Could Probably Kill Kudzu

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Dear Wal-Mart,
I am not happy that you took your brand of diapers off of Rollback. I was pretty excited that they were even cheaper than before and you had to go and mess that up. You sell enough name brand stuff to make up the difference so I am gonna need you to go ahead and mark those bad boys back down. Way down. That would really make my next shopping trip a lot more enjoyable. Who knows, if you start Rolling back things I actually need and buy I may shop more often! Doubtful, but you never know unless you try!


Sincerely,
The Cheapest Woman Around


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