Today

Today the first baby is being thawed. We will be kept up to speed through the process, but it is all in God's hands.

Knowing that after the transfer I need to be resting and relaxing as much as possible, I am spending today trying to play with the kids. I say trying because they are in the kinds of moods where they just don't want mom all that much. So instead, I am deep cleaning. I am doing all the things I may not get to for a week or so.

One thing I don't have to worry about doing is cooking for a while. Esther's parents graciously sent us an obscene amount of restaurant gift cards! Charlie will be able to just go grab us a bite without having to worry about cooking with the little ones under foot. It will be such a huge help!

It feels like a dream that the day has come. Tomorrow is the day! Now I am just praying and praying that God thaws the first baby perfectly. If not I hope the second one thaws without a hitch. The thought of not getting to go through the procedure at this point almost takes my breath away. I am trying to to think in that direction, but my brain is having trouble not going there.

I trust Him. I know His plan is perfect. I love His love for me, and for Esther and Scott and their precious little ones.

Tomorrow I plan on laying in the bed and doing nothing but keeping a tiny baby safe! I am sure tomorrow my kids will be begging me to play ;-) thats how it goes, right?

I promise I will keep you updated!!!!

Houston, We Have A Problem....

Today is day 46 in our surrogacy journey, and we are closing in on the big day! 

So, yesterday was day one of the progesterone shots. My hubster was trained to be a combat lifesaver so I was counting on him to help me out with these big shots.

I had him watch the little video on it just to be sure he was ready.

Then his face turned white and he said "his fingers went numb". Then he appologized and said there was no way he could give these shots to me. Did I mention he hates needles???? Soooooo, with him out of the running I told myself I would have to do them. No big deal, I have been doing the other shots no problem. So I got the shots ready, cleaned the area.... and sat there.... and sat there.... and sat there! Just holding the shot, every now and then pulling back as though I was about to dart it into my thigh.

This little dance went on for half and hour before I convinced myself there was no way I could do it. So I called my mom and had her come over and give it to me. She has been giving herself B-12 shots for a while so I trusted she knew what she was doing.

 Getting the shot was nothing. The anticipation of giving it to myself was what killed me. I just could not do it. I am lucky that my mom lives about a mile from my house and can just stop by each morning and help me. 

I know, you are all thinking "what is the big deal?".......

 

The needle on the left is the one I have been doing in my belly for a while now... the one on the RIGHT is the progesterone.... ain't gonna happen! 

And to add to the fun I have now started having to take lots of medication. Since my mind is kinda slow these days I have made myself notes of when to take each one.

We are now 4 days away from the big day! 4 DAYS!!!! I cannot believe that we are almost there. Now the biggest anxiety I have is about the thawing of the babies. It is such a delicate process and I am just praying and praying that God allows them to survive! I want so badly for this to work, so badly that my soul aches at the thought of a bad outcome.

There is no turning back now! Are you as excited as I am????? On Tuesday would you all please pray for the first baby to thaw perfectly. Then on Wednesday just pray that all goes smooth and that God's will is done!

Finding Joy

My oh my how I miss blogging. I miss pouring out my heart. Not because I need a pitty party or a pat on the back but because blogging is my therapy.

When I blog I work through things.

When I blog I can sort the craziness spinning around in my head out just a little bit.

When I blog I can focus on a situation and either deal with it or let it go.

Blogging is how I make the world make since to me and so I miss it.

I thought the fact that I had not found time to blog was one reason I just haven't felt super joyful these days even though I have so very much to be joyful about. However I came to the conclusion tonight that not blogging is the farthest thing from what is taking my joy.

I am taking my joy.

You see, I have been expecting other things, other people, to bring me joy. Impossible.

Only Jesus can bring me joy.

I have been feeling so overwhelmed and just anxious. It just dawned on me why. I have stopped seeking God. I am just expecting Him to spoon feed me what He wants me to learn. That is never going to happen. He wants me to actively seek Him and move into His presence. I wish I could get to a point in my walk with God that I could get past this, but for some reason I am stuck in this cycle and it is DRIVING ME NUTS! I know that when I stop reading my Bible, having my quiet time and really praying that life gets overwhelming. So you would think that this would not be like a huge epiphany every single time! And yet my flesh does not get any less fleshy.

Today I am taking the step to say "I am really screwing up here" and making an effort to get past this.

Jesus brings me joy. I know this because when I am in The Word and active in prayer my life is so different.

I want that. I want the joy to always be in my life. However, when I fail over and over again I do find good in it. It brings me back to my knees crying to the Lord that I can't do this on my own. It brings me back to the cross.

If my flesh does nothing else, it keeps me humbled and helps me see just how much I need my Savior.

 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."   -2 Corinthians 12:9

I am going to find time to blog though, because I find peace in it. I enjoy living my life out here so that I can go back and see God working on me. Not to mention it writing really is therapeutic to me... and with everything going on right now I need all the therapy I can get ;-)

Letters Of Intent

Dear refrigerator,

No warning? It is very rude to just quit with no warning. I mean this really puts me in a pickle, because now I have to try to eat this entire jar of semi expensive pickles because I am freaking out that I may have to throw them away! I am having trouble focusing on all my other duties because I keep thinking "what am I going to do about my Dukes?"! Forget the meat in the freezer, how will I love without my Dukes!!!!! (For those of you not from the south, Dukes is mayonnaise... not just mayonnaise.... THE MAYONNAISE )  So thanks so much for leaving me in such a mess! Now all I can think about it making a pickle sandwich with tons of mayonnaise. Sigh.

Sincrely,

Couldn't Chase The Refrigerator Even If I Wanted To Because It Sure Isn't Running

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Dear Son,

When I fold a load of laundry, I kinda want it to stay folded.

Love,

The Lady Who HATES Refolding All The Laundry  

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Dear Self,

Stop. Take a deep breath. Repeat. It is all going to be just fine.

Love,

The One Who Does Not Want To Look 50 When I Am 30

The Day Has Come....

I am linking up with Emmy over at Emmy Mom today with a Proud Mommy Moment. Head over to hear blog to see more!


Thing 2 did it. He finally did it, after months of being dangerously close to doing it.

He climbed out of his crib.

He did it out of shear anger and frustration, but still... he did it. I was not ready for this because Thing 1 never even THOUGHT about doing such a thing. She is overly cautious... him, not so much!

When I heard the thud I was almost in disbelief. When I opened the door the look of panic on his face was pretty funny. He was spanked and then put back in bed.

My next thought was "there is no way he is ready for a toddler bed". Translation.... "I am so not ready for him to be in a toddler bed". So what did we do?

Heather gave us a GREAT idea! She had seen another mom put her child's mattress directly on the floor inside of their crib. Luckily we have a crib that this worked with, it is super low to the ground and there is no way for his mattress to move in any direction. So we took out the spring board thing and plopped this mattress right down on the floor.

It gave us literally 5 or 6 more inches of height! I am guessing that buys us at least another 8 or 9 months! WOO HOO!!!!

See, Jayce would be that kid that like gets up in the middle of the night and goes and makes a sandwich. I wish I was kidding. He really would not comprehend "Mommy and Daddy want me to stay in bed"... well he would comprehend it... he just would not obey it!

So for now, the little dare devil is contained!