The Two Week Wait

Here we are again.

14 days of waiting.

14 days of wondering.

14 days of going back and forth between excited and nervous.

It feels different this time around. It is probably because it is Christmas time, but this two week wait is going by faster. So much faster.

One week from today I have my blood test.

Halfway through the waiting, wondering, nervous feelings.

We are also halfway through the feeling of knowing the baby is safe and sound. Right now we just know Hummingbird is in there. Thats it. I like that feeling. I like the PUPO stage. I am not sure I am ready for that to end.

I am trying to use this two weeks that God has given me as a time to "be still". I need to rest and relax, but I also just want to hear from God. It is the perfect opportunity to just sit in His presence and know that He is God. In this world it is hard to be still, and I am enjoying these moments.



Dear Hummingbird,

Are you okay in there? I guess we will see in a week, huh? Settle in for me please. Get nice and snug and cozy. Be patient with me and lets get through this next week together, okay? We can do this! So many people are praying for you and love you. They all really, really want you to stick around for a while. There is a lot of pressure on you and me Hummingbird, even if it is unintentional. Don't let it stress you out, just take it one day at a time. God's plan is perfect and know that you can trust Him no matter what.

Love,

Your Babysitter  

Happy Home

It's been so long since I posted a Happy Home post that I had almost forgotten about Happy Home all together! With the transfer 2 days away I have been trying to get a lot done around the house. I want things to be easy for Charlie while I am resting ( aka.... sitting on the couch, reading books, painting my toenails.... you know, growing a baby!!!!). Here is a tip for you guys that may help cut down on your cleaning time. Layer your small trash cans with several grocery bags. That way, when the trash is full, you can just pull one bag out. It leaves you with a fresh bag ready to go without taking all the cans back and forth to the kitchen trash can. I usually layer anywhere from 5 to 10 bags in a can, depending on the size. It helps my 4 year old be able to gather the trash from the house in a way that is easier and more sanitary. This tip may be old news to most of you, but perhaps it will help someone out there! 

Happy Monday to you all! Enjoy your week!

Tired of Lurking

I am tired of lurking in the shadows of all your blogs. I miss commenting on all of your posts.

I am tired of having no time.... and yet that is so selfish and wrong of me.

I am thankful for everything that is making me busy. Very very thankful.

Every season of life is unique and important. My heart knows this... but my brain is not quite as understanding. (already since writing this post an hour has past and I have gotten up 6 times for different things.)

I miss writing.

I miss being able to dump my brain on my blog.

I refuse to feel sad, I mean it's only a blog and only 5 people read it. There are people starving all over the world, my blog being neglected is not exactly something to be sad about.

I want to give you a quick update on where we are with the surrogacy before I end up running out of the little bit of time I actually have to write.

We are only 11 days away from the second transfer! I am already started on hormones and have had one appointment so far. Everything is right on track and we will be set to start thawing Cheerios baby brother/sister on the 11th! This cycle has FLOWN by compared to the last one. I am hoping that means the two week wait will go faster too. *crossing fingers* I am ready to have that baby safely in my womb! I am feeling tons of emotions... but that is a whole other post!

Life is busy.

I am thankful for busy.

And yet I can't help but keep thinking.... "stop the world, I want to get off!"

One day at a time.... 

Homeschool Work

This year I am focusing more on Bible memorization (books and verses) as well as Catechisms questions. I want this year to give us a good foundation for her first real year of homeschooling.... next year :-) I came up with a fun activity for Lula Mae to help her work on learning the books of the Bible. I saw someone on pintest use popsicle sticks to help kids memorize Bible verses so I switched it up and did the books of the Bible the same way. Take a look at our newest school activity!

 

 

 

 As you can see, Lula Mae loved this activity! She pulls is out frequently and I think it has really helped! She learned the New Testament so quickly!

 

Letters Of Intent

Sometimes the best way to get it off of your chest is in in letter form, so here we go! 

Dear Grocery Bagger, 

The number 1 rule in bagging groceries is bread gets its very own bag. The only exception to this rule is if you put my eggs in a bag and gently place the bread on top of the eggs. No other combination is acceptable. Bananas, like the 12 you put in with my bread, should never EVER go in the same bag a bread.

Sincerely,

My Bread Was For Sandwiches... Not Breadcrumbs! 

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Dear Jayce, 

While I love hearing your voice, I do not enjoy you telling me how to drive. No one likes a backseat driver little man, no one! You enjoy the scenery and leave the driving up to me. I promise I know my way around town and won't get us lost in the middle of nowhere. 

Love, 

Your Mommy Who Has Lived In This Town Her Entire Life  

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Dear Baby O, 

Are you ready? Well your turn is coming so get excited! Can you be a good little baby and thaw perfectly? I know you can! You rest up for a little while longer and get pumped for the big day! I can't wait to have you safely tucked away in my womb. Pretty awesome, huh?

Love, 

Your Future Babysitter 

  

   

I Blinked

And my babies, my tiny little babies....

 

Lula Mae at 4 days old

   

Jayce at 5 days old

                                                           

....turned into kids.

Jayce at 2 years 5 months & Lula Mae at 4 years and 5 months

These precious years are slipping away. I have pictures, videos, calendars with special notes written on them.... but I will never get to live these years again. I am trying to slow down and cherish these moments that are so swiftly leaving. And yet, time just seems to move faster. The busyness of "life" too often robs me of the precious moments I want to enjoy. I have to remind myself every single day that my babies are not babies and I need to slow down, hold them, tell them how special they are, stare at their little faces, hold their little hands, memorize the sounds of their voices, etch their silly laughs into my brain.... enjoy them while they are still little.

When did it happen though? I missed the transition somewhere. How is it that I have kids?

My babies are kids.

Heart Issues

People say babies are hard. I think they are crazy.

You feed them, you change them, you rock them, you keep them warm and make sure they get lots of sleep. Repeat. Love, love, love them.

How is that hard? I even had a particularly difficult second baby and I still felt like a good mom through his first year. I could calm him down, I could get him to eat, I could get him to sleep, I could make him smile and laugh. I felt like a good mom.

Now, at this point in my life, I don't feel like a good mom.

Toddlers and preschool aged kids are hard. Want to know why? Because now I am focused on their hearts. It is no longer me just worrying about their basic needs.... now the real work begins. And I feel like I am failing them.

I am not the example of Christ that I want to be. Not even close. I want so badly to show them Jesus through my life but I fail every.single.day.

I stay home more often than not, because I barley have control of my kids. In my home I feel such little respect and it is a very belittling feeling. I feel like I am slowly fading away right in front of my children.

How do other moms have it all together? Or how do they make it look like they have it all together? How do other moms deal with their kids hearts? I am drowning!

Bottles and blankies and pacifiers were so easy. Heart issues.... NOT SO MUCH!

I miss the feeling of being a good mom. I really, really miss it. I want my kids to seem happy and loved, but unfortunately I worry that they are feeling neither of those very basic things. *my brain is mush.... complete mush*

My only hope right now is that God is being glorified through this very trying stage. 

The One In Which I Beg For Your Help

Help me to help them.... I am so close to selling my kidney to get this money folks so do me a favor and pray about how you can help. We have a private facebook group with 140 members on it. Did you know that if each of those members gave $30 we would raise enough money for baby O? Thats one dinner out (if you drink water and don't get an appetizer or dessert), its a new shirt, its a few mornings a week missing your Starbucks. I don't want you to give because you feel obligated, I want you to give because God leads you to! I want you to pray for Esther and Scott. I want you to pray about how you can help. I want you to think about what love really is. I want you to love these two people the way I do. I want you to love the Lord!

 

I also really need a favor from all my bloggy buddies. Could you please do a post on your blog with this widget? Can you tell your blog readers about our story and pass this on? I would owe you BIG TIME if you did that for me! Like BIG TIME!!!! ! 

We are pressing forward people! Get excited!

We will also be selling t shirts to help raise money, but that is taking time to get set up so please be patient with us :-) 

Surrogacy Update: The One I Wish Was Different

This journey has brought me so much joy, more than I can adequately express with words.

This journey has also brought me such heart ache.

My flesh is mad.
My flesh is devastated.
My flesh wants to question God.
My flesh can't understand any of this.

My faith has grown stronger.
My faith has learned to trust God's plan above my own.
My faith has stretched and pulled me in a million directions, keeping me strong when I felt as though I should be in shambles.
My God never fails.

On September 4th, right before I laid my babies down for nap, I took a pregnancy test. I left it there, thinking nothing of it. Then I got a message from my husband "so did you poas today?". I laughed. Then I went back to toss the test in the trash.... and there was that line. That second, faint little line. I called my husband and told him the news. We questioned to call E, but thought we should wait. After holding the news for 2 days I had to tell her! It was eating me alive. I felt so bad that she and her husband would never have that "sweet moment" of finding out they were pregnant so I thought and thought about how to somehow surprise them with this wonderful news. Of course, I took a neat picture.... thats just what I do.... and I sent it to her. The next few days I was praying for symptoms to start coming on so that I felt "pregnant" and could breath a sigh of relief. I wanted to be throwing up and so tired I could not keep my eyes open. I told myself that this pregnancy would just be more like my sons where I had zero symptoms, but yet I was still on edge.... so ready for my blood test to tell me I was in fact pregnant. The morning of the test we were on our way to Disney World for our family vacation. I walked into that office positive that my numbers would be high enough that E would feel ready to post our results to all of our friends and family. Hours went by and no phone call... we all were wondering how long it could possibly take! Then that familiar number popped up on my phone and I was so excited, ready to hear those amazing words "you're pregnant!". When I answered and heard Lindsay's voice I knew something was wrong. She finally got out the words "it was negative".... my heart sunk and I felt as though I had just been hit by a train. My first reaction was "the test is wrong, I got a positive test a week ago! Run it again!". The denial hit fast. Then she explained how they were sure it was right and that I had lost the baby. I had lost their baby.

Devastated does not do justice to how I was feeling at that moment.
Anger.
Denial.
Guilt.
Anger.
Anger.
Anger.

I was so confused. How could I get a positive test and the blood test was negative? God knew this would happen, and He planned it that way. I knew that, but could not grasp that at this point.

My husband and I lost our first baby, Taylor, and it was devastating. I can tell you, losing someone elses baby is unfathomable.

I prepared myself for a negative and I prepared myself for a positive. I did not however prepare myself for losing their baby so swiftly after having him nestle into my womb. For 7 days I was pregnant. I got to feel like God's vessel for 7 blissful days. For those 7 days I imagined my belly growing bigger, explaining this act of service to my children, preparing for the birth.... I imagined how wonderful the moment would be when they placed that baby in E's arms.

Those negative results robbed me of all of these things. It took away so much from my precious friend and it made me ache for her. Even though I know this is not my fault, I am struggling to truly believe that. I keep wondering what I did to mess this up, what I could have done different. I have lots of things I need to work through, the guilt is for sure the biggest.

I look at my kids and wonder why God picked me... why am I so blessed with fertility? I am humbled by this experience in so many ways. There are couples who go through this devastation month after month, year after year. I am overly blessed and take my fertility for granted day after day.

I only find joy in Jesus. He brings me Joy. Knowing that he is holding this sweet baby in his arms brings me joy. knowing He gave me 7 days to hold that blessing in my womb gives me great joy.  Sweet Cheerio may have been their bundle, but he was certainly my joy!

Continue to pray for our journey because although this chapter is coming to a close, there is a new one on the horizon. The Lord knows what is to come and I am grateful to be apart of this amazing experience!

His anger lasts only a moment. His favor lasts a lifetime. Weeping may last for the night, but there is a song of joy in the morning.

Psalms 30:5

Pintrest Explosion!

Our dinning room has had empty walls basically since we moved in. I had a few things upbut they just did not seem to go well. Enter Pintrest to save the day!

Here is the room before. Just kinda bare. Nothing fancy. The lighting in this picture is pretty bad, sorry!

I loved this idea, and the kids had so much fun helping me with it! I have it hanging on that blank wall to the right of that window in the picture. It is actually between two windows, but you can only see the one in this picture.

Then I worked on our family Bible center. I got a random scrap of wood and pray painted it yellow, then put a decal on it that says "For the Bible tells me so". I took an old mirror I had and used chalkboard paint on it. Ta da! Now we can write verses on it that we are looking at together! It is right at our table which is perfect for family meal time. Oh, and yes I did make roman shades out of cheap mini blinds. It was super easy!

 And here is my precious niece, Miss Ella! Yep, I know, you cold just kiss that face all day!

Are you being brave and trying out things on pintrest????

Today

Today the first baby is being thawed. We will be kept up to speed through the process, but it is all in God's hands.

Knowing that after the transfer I need to be resting and relaxing as much as possible, I am spending today trying to play with the kids. I say trying because they are in the kinds of moods where they just don't want mom all that much. So instead, I am deep cleaning. I am doing all the things I may not get to for a week or so.

One thing I don't have to worry about doing is cooking for a while. Esther's parents graciously sent us an obscene amount of restaurant gift cards! Charlie will be able to just go grab us a bite without having to worry about cooking with the little ones under foot. It will be such a huge help!

It feels like a dream that the day has come. Tomorrow is the day! Now I am just praying and praying that God thaws the first baby perfectly. If not I hope the second one thaws without a hitch. The thought of not getting to go through the procedure at this point almost takes my breath away. I am trying to to think in that direction, but my brain is having trouble not going there.

I trust Him. I know His plan is perfect. I love His love for me, and for Esther and Scott and their precious little ones.

Tomorrow I plan on laying in the bed and doing nothing but keeping a tiny baby safe! I am sure tomorrow my kids will be begging me to play ;-) thats how it goes, right?

I promise I will keep you updated!!!!

Houston, We Have A Problem....

Today is day 46 in our surrogacy journey, and we are closing in on the big day! 

So, yesterday was day one of the progesterone shots. My hubster was trained to be a combat lifesaver so I was counting on him to help me out with these big shots.

I had him watch the little video on it just to be sure he was ready.

Then his face turned white and he said "his fingers went numb". Then he appologized and said there was no way he could give these shots to me. Did I mention he hates needles???? Soooooo, with him out of the running I told myself I would have to do them. No big deal, I have been doing the other shots no problem. So I got the shots ready, cleaned the area.... and sat there.... and sat there.... and sat there! Just holding the shot, every now and then pulling back as though I was about to dart it into my thigh.

This little dance went on for half and hour before I convinced myself there was no way I could do it. So I called my mom and had her come over and give it to me. She has been giving herself B-12 shots for a while so I trusted she knew what she was doing.

 Getting the shot was nothing. The anticipation of giving it to myself was what killed me. I just could not do it. I am lucky that my mom lives about a mile from my house and can just stop by each morning and help me. 

I know, you are all thinking "what is the big deal?".......

 

The needle on the left is the one I have been doing in my belly for a while now... the one on the RIGHT is the progesterone.... ain't gonna happen! 

And to add to the fun I have now started having to take lots of medication. Since my mind is kinda slow these days I have made myself notes of when to take each one.

We are now 4 days away from the big day! 4 DAYS!!!! I cannot believe that we are almost there. Now the biggest anxiety I have is about the thawing of the babies. It is such a delicate process and I am just praying and praying that God allows them to survive! I want so badly for this to work, so badly that my soul aches at the thought of a bad outcome.

There is no turning back now! Are you as excited as I am????? On Tuesday would you all please pray for the first baby to thaw perfectly. Then on Wednesday just pray that all goes smooth and that God's will is done!

Finding Joy

My oh my how I miss blogging. I miss pouring out my heart. Not because I need a pitty party or a pat on the back but because blogging is my therapy.

When I blog I work through things.

When I blog I can sort the craziness spinning around in my head out just a little bit.

When I blog I can focus on a situation and either deal with it or let it go.

Blogging is how I make the world make since to me and so I miss it.

I thought the fact that I had not found time to blog was one reason I just haven't felt super joyful these days even though I have so very much to be joyful about. However I came to the conclusion tonight that not blogging is the farthest thing from what is taking my joy.

I am taking my joy.

You see, I have been expecting other things, other people, to bring me joy. Impossible.

Only Jesus can bring me joy.

I have been feeling so overwhelmed and just anxious. It just dawned on me why. I have stopped seeking God. I am just expecting Him to spoon feed me what He wants me to learn. That is never going to happen. He wants me to actively seek Him and move into His presence. I wish I could get to a point in my walk with God that I could get past this, but for some reason I am stuck in this cycle and it is DRIVING ME NUTS! I know that when I stop reading my Bible, having my quiet time and really praying that life gets overwhelming. So you would think that this would not be like a huge epiphany every single time! And yet my flesh does not get any less fleshy.

Today I am taking the step to say "I am really screwing up here" and making an effort to get past this.

Jesus brings me joy. I know this because when I am in The Word and active in prayer my life is so different.

I want that. I want the joy to always be in my life. However, when I fail over and over again I do find good in it. It brings me back to my knees crying to the Lord that I can't do this on my own. It brings me back to the cross.

If my flesh does nothing else, it keeps me humbled and helps me see just how much I need my Savior.

 "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."   -2 Corinthians 12:9

I am going to find time to blog though, because I find peace in it. I enjoy living my life out here so that I can go back and see God working on me. Not to mention it writing really is therapeutic to me... and with everything going on right now I need all the therapy I can get ;-)

Letters Of Intent

Dear refrigerator,

No warning? It is very rude to just quit with no warning. I mean this really puts me in a pickle, because now I have to try to eat this entire jar of semi expensive pickles because I am freaking out that I may have to throw them away! I am having trouble focusing on all my other duties because I keep thinking "what am I going to do about my Dukes?"! Forget the meat in the freezer, how will I love without my Dukes!!!!! (For those of you not from the south, Dukes is mayonnaise... not just mayonnaise.... THE MAYONNAISE )  So thanks so much for leaving me in such a mess! Now all I can think about it making a pickle sandwich with tons of mayonnaise. Sigh.

Sincrely,

Couldn't Chase The Refrigerator Even If I Wanted To Because It Sure Isn't Running

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Dear Son,

When I fold a load of laundry, I kinda want it to stay folded.

Love,

The Lady Who HATES Refolding All The Laundry  

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Dear Self,

Stop. Take a deep breath. Repeat. It is all going to be just fine.

Love,

The One Who Does Not Want To Look 50 When I Am 30

The Day Has Come....

I am linking up with Emmy over at Emmy Mom today with a Proud Mommy Moment. Head over to hear blog to see more!


Thing 2 did it. He finally did it, after months of being dangerously close to doing it.

He climbed out of his crib.

He did it out of shear anger and frustration, but still... he did it. I was not ready for this because Thing 1 never even THOUGHT about doing such a thing. She is overly cautious... him, not so much!

When I heard the thud I was almost in disbelief. When I opened the door the look of panic on his face was pretty funny. He was spanked and then put back in bed.

My next thought was "there is no way he is ready for a toddler bed". Translation.... "I am so not ready for him to be in a toddler bed". So what did we do?

Heather gave us a GREAT idea! She had seen another mom put her child's mattress directly on the floor inside of their crib. Luckily we have a crib that this worked with, it is super low to the ground and there is no way for his mattress to move in any direction. So we took out the spring board thing and plopped this mattress right down on the floor.

It gave us literally 5 or 6 more inches of height! I am guessing that buys us at least another 8 or 9 months! WOO HOO!!!!

See, Jayce would be that kid that like gets up in the middle of the night and goes and makes a sandwich. I wish I was kidding. He really would not comprehend "Mommy and Daddy want me to stay in bed"... well he would comprehend it... he just would not obey it!

So for now, the little dare devil is contained!

Budget Revamp

In May I realized our budget was in trouble. In our family I handle the finances, with support from my husband. I am the more organized one which helps me handle the budget. However, in May, I realized I needed help. I needed my husband to step in and be a second brain. So we looked, and crunched and looked some more. At the end I felt much better about everything and we had a new plan. The new plan has been working so well!

Let me tell you about our old budget first. I had tons of categories and I would have a piece of paper in a binder for each one. Then, I would take every receipt and calculate how much money of each category had been spent. Then I would write that amount on each corresponding page. Confused? Yeah I know. It was incredibly time consuming and very hard to keep up with spending. I found myself over spending in almost every category on a monthly basis. I was so disappointed in myself an overly frustrated that I was not being a good steward. I even felt belittled by my husband a few times when he would make comments about the bank account (he did not realize that it was bothering me, so don't worry. He was only making general comments but since I was already insecure about the budget it made me feel attacked.

So the budget now? Simplified by a million! I combined most of the categories and narrowed them down to the basic. The kicker? We are on the cash system now! Oh my goodness, if you have never done it.... you should! It has been the best budget system for us yet! Each week I get out our set amount of cash, then once it is gone.... we are done spending! This system does require more planing with my shopping but that has been helpful to me. It has shown me how careless I was before. It has also shown me how little we really need to be happy. I am enjoying this new system for lots of reasons!

So what do you and your family do to help with your budget? 

Day 7: Surrogacy Update

I posted this on Carried and I wanted to share the same post on my blog:


"Today I had my very first appointment! It went great. They took what seemed like a ton of blood, but it was fine. The ultrasound was great too. I was pretty nervous about what it would be like... mostly if it was going to be messy (filling someones uterus with saline while simultaneously doing an ultrasound just seemed messy in my head) but also if it was going to hurt. Luckily it was smooth sailing and was no big deal. The doctor was incredibly excited about my uterus, which was a little weird, but he was even more excited about my ovaries. Not gonna lie, for a strange man to ohhhh and ahhhh over my ovaries is a bit odd but I guess it was a compliment. So the overall conclusion was that my uterus is a happy home so thats AMAZING! The blood work should be back in about a week and then we are all go! Beside me right now is our PROTOCOL! Ahhhhhhhhh! I have read it nearly 50 times.... it is music to my little OCD ears! All these dates and instructions helps me feel ready. I like feeling prepared. I also just took my very first birth control pill to start the hormone casserole that is going to be my life for the next few weeks. HERE WE GO!!!!!!!!!!!"

Yep, we have our protocol! I also already have my next appointment scheduled, it will be more blood work and another ultrasound. This time we will be checking my hormone levels and making sure via ultrasound that my body did not ovulate. After that we continue my hormone therapy and press forward toward the big day.... transfer day! Last  night when I took my first pill it officially marked the beginning for me. Like, now we are doing this.... like oh.my.word.this.is.happening.and.its.happening.now..... wow. Folks we need lots of prayers now. Pray for God's will to be done, pray for smooth appointments, pray for sanity for all of us! This is just one of many updates to come so be ready! 

 Oh, and here are my super cute kids. They are getting themselves ready for Disney by pretending to ride "roller coasters" on our bed.

My Crafting Nook

Every time I needed to sew or work on another project I had to lug out my machine and all my supplies. Then everything had to just sit there until I finished the project. It was getting old. I started looking around the house for a corner or wall where I could make myself a crafting area. Charlie and I have a walk in closet and we both don't have huge wardrobes. There was so much wasted space in our closet so I decided to rearrange our clothes and see if I could come up with something. My sister had an old entertainment table she was getting rid of so I snatched it up, then I spray painted it blue. It looked good!
  

Here is one side of our closet before I started moving things around.

Here is the other side.

Basically I knocked out everything on the left side of the closet. Then I added a level of storage on the right side to put my clothes on. After ripping out all the shelving I patched up all the holes and painted that side yellow. Since it is a closet with no windows I thought yellow would be nice and bright.

Here is the shelf and area after they were both painted. Now my sewing machine is always up and ready whenever I want to work on a project. I use it a good bit more now!

See how I store my fabric scraps? I took a small strip of wood, wood glued clothes pins on it and spray painted them. Then I just attached them to the wall. Boom! The other storage for my odds and ends is also a strip of wood spray painted, but I put in hooks to hang different things on.

It does not take a lot of space to create a great crafting nook! I really enjoy my little spot :-)

Our New Behavior Chart

We have been dealing with lots of new behavior around our house. Some good, but unfortunately, mostly bad. I spent some time on Pintrest and searched for a new method to help us get a handle on these behaviors, both good and bad. I wanted more than just a "oh look you are on a smiley face".... what does that even mean? I wanted something with Biblical linking and explanations. After looking at different charts and systems, I gathered up some materials and created our new behavior chart. Sorry the pictures are so terrible, it was late when I took the pictures so the lighting was horrible. 

 

This is a full length shot so you can see it all together.  To bad it's blurry :-/

 

At the top I have Galatians 6:5 "For we are each responsible for our own conduct" as a good reminder to the kids that they need to be worried about what THEY are doing, not what the other is doing. That is Lula Mae's new thing... telling me everything Jayce has done wrong.... so fun! 

 Each morning they start the day on green. I thought that verse worked perfect :-) There are 3 levels above green (blue, indigo and purple). Each level has a description of what behavior coincides. This way we can go over the description with the kids and explain how their behavior was right or wrong.   

 Below green there are also three levels (yellow, orange and red).

 Lula Mae and Jayce each have their names on a clothes pin and I clip them on opposite sides.

 I'm not going to lie, I'm worried we are going to see this a lot....

 Luckily the popper (our "rod") is hanging right beside the chart so it is easily accessible. Yep, that pink spatula is our rod. Think what you want, we discipline or kids in a Biblical way. 

I am going to have a sticker chart for each of them beside the behavior chart, then at the end of each day if they have ended on green, blue, indigo or violet they will get a sticker on their chart. Once the chart is full they get a special day with Mommy and Daddy. It's fun! It gives them a little incentive to keep their clothes pin on the upper part of the chart. 

Here We Go!

All readers not interested in reading about *ahem* that time of the month, should avert their eyes. This is your warning... moving on.

Wednesday was DAY 1 of my cycle. Do you know what that means... all systems are go! On Monday I will be going to my very first appointment! AHHHHHH! And can I just say this was the loooooongest wait for a period ever!

I will be having my blood work and a super special ultrasound done. They are basically going to make sure my uterus is a happy place by filling my uterus with saline and then doing an ultrasound tp check the walls. Should be interesting. Then, let the hormones begin!

I'm slightly nervous about things now. What if they don't think my uterus is happy? What if something comes back wacky on my bloodwork? Things are just getting real, and we all know.... real is scary!

Once I go to my first appointment I should get my protocol, then I will know much more about all of this. Like I said, all of this is getting very real and it is kind of overwhelming. Not in a bad way, just in a this-is-really-happening kind of way. 

Letters Of Intent

Dear Period,

Never have I wanted you to start so bad in my life. Hurry up so I can call the doctor and set up my first appointment! The three C's are in order (cramping, cranky, cravings) so I know you are close. The suspense is KILLING me!

Love,

Incredible Impatient

***********************************************************************

Dear Children,

This whole drive-each-other-totally-nuts-all-day-long is getting really old. I am trying to be patient, I am trying to give you space to learn how to deal with each other.... but dear goodness my nerves can't take it any more! The constant bickering is the most annoying phase yet. I love you both, but I feel like you hate each other. Please try to at least act like you love each other. I keep telling myself that this is just a season of life...  but I'm slightly terrified that this season is going to be like 15 years long. Sigh.

Love,

Your Very Exhausted Mommy..... Who Needs To Buy More Tylenol

***********************************************************************

Dear Hubster,

I'm sorry. Your kids are crazy and your wife is about to start a substantial amount of hormones.... I'm sorry just does not seem to be enough. Enjoy your week away at training, you will deserve it for sure!

Love,

About To Be A Hormone Casserole

Normal Life

Last week was CRAZY BUSY, so this week, the kids may look like this....

 

 because I just don't have the energy to even care what they dress themselves in. Sigh. I am just thrilled that one of my kids has the ability to dress themselves, even if her style is... ehhhh.... eclectic? 

We are on summer break from school, but Lula Mae has been asking to do some work so I am not sure how long our break will actually be. Jayce is interested in "school" as well so it looks like my class just doubled for next year ;-) I am going to be buckling down and getting my school closet in order and ready to go! That is number one on my list right now. 

 Jayce is having a rough summer. His skin is bad. Really, really bad. We have an allergist appointment tomorrow to try and figure out if he perhaps has developed another allergy. He is also really asserting himself these days.... not in a good way. We have lots of fits, lots of time outs, lots of apologies, lots of spankings.... just lots of the nitty gritty part of parenting that people don't like to talk about. He is not quite as strong willed as Lula Mae, but he is still a pretty far cry from a compliant child. I know this is bad, but I have to remind myself that God made him perfect and just the way He wanted him. 

We have signed the contract for the surrogacy and it has been given back to all respective parties. Pretty soon I will begin my end of the deal. I'm basically PUMPED! 

Charlie and I took the kids to the beach for a day. It was interesting.  Jayce did not seem to like the sand, but he loved the water. Lula Mae even seemed to enjoy the water. I was pretty shocked! It was a fun day and I loved seeing them have so much fun. 

Normal life has just kept me so busy these days. I love normal life though. That is where amazing memories are made, that is where life lessons are taught, that is where God teaches us the most. However when normal life keeps me busy, my poor blog, like yours I am sure, get pushed to the back burner. I have been sneaking around in the shadows visiting your blogs and trying to keep up! I hope you are all having a great summer! 

Be back soon with more random updates from our crazy busy life!

Guess What We Are Wating For....

THE CONTRACT!

Yep! We have finished working on the contract and it has been signed... well half way. Considering that the 4 people involved in this journey live in two states it would be hard for us all to sign the contract at the same time. Therefore one party has completed the big signing stage, and we are anxiously awaiting our turn! After that....

BOOM!

The ball is ROLLING! More than rolling, the ball will be soaring through the air!

Are you all ready for this? See, because here is the deal... all of this is gonna be crazy emotional for me, and even more so for Esther. We have no idea how smooth or bumpy the next few steps are going to be. We have no idea what God has planned. One thing is for sure though, He is in this and I am trusting him 100%, which we all know is not easy all the time.

When God laid surrogacy on my heart, I had no idea how much He would stretch me through the process. I am learning a lot about myself, my relationships with people, my dependance on Jesus... so many things.

When you feel like God has spoken to you or laid something on your heart,  I am telling you... go for it! It is an amazing feeling and an even more amazing journey!

Don't worry, I will keep you posted on what is coming up next!

God Laughs While We Play Scrabble

Please just take a look at what I had to work with the other night while playing Scrabble with my Hubster. This was my rack 3 turns in a row....

One vowel....

 Replace second V with a G....

Replace G with X....

Are you serious?


(insert God laughing here)

The Little Things

Lula Mae loves drawing and writing. Her favorite thing to do these days is make cards and messages for people. After a tough day, nothing melts my heart like finding this on my nightstand.

And when I flip it over and see this.... 

...it blows my mind. Number one, it blows my mind how smart my 4 year old is to write so many things all on her own.... number two, it blows my mind how unconditionally loved I am by her. She sees the good in me, even when I can't. She loves me unconditionally, even though I don't show her that same unconditional love. She loves the Lord and I see that in the little things like this. I am honored to get to call her my daughter. The little things like this help make up for all that bad moments of the day for sure!  

For My Next Birthday

I have a secret. I joined pintrest. *hangs head in shame* I swore I never would. Really, I don't need any other distractions from Christ... I HAVE ENOUGH! Don't we all? I made the decision to not join pintrest for the simple fact that I don't want to be addicted to it like everyone seemed to be. Why did I cave? Because I wanted some decorating ideas for the play room. I am very careful not to spend much time on it. I don't get on it unless I am looking for something particular and I don't allow myself to be on for more than half an hour at a time. I may get on 3 or 4 times a month tops so I am ok with being a part of the newest internet craze. I don't mind deleting my account if I ever feel like it is becoming a distraction for me. It really is a neat site though and I have gotten lots of organizing tips and design ideas! I still hold tight to the fact that I never EVER want to own a "smart phone".... not gonna happen! Anyhoo, while looking for something on pintrest I came across this post on a lady's blog about what she did on her 35th birthday. Well, for my 26th birthday I will be doing this as well! She did 35 random acts of kindness! How neat! I will have to adjust my list a little bit to fit my kids ages better, but it is going to be fun! When I saw it I was so excited to start thinking of the little things I can do to spread the love of Christ! So I must say, I am impressed with my pintrest experience so far ;-)

 

                                                                               Source: ticklestogiggles.blogspot.com via Little on Pinterest

Surrogacy: Step By Step

This journey is long, and we all knew that going into it. Each step we make seems big, but there is not a set timeline that things will for sure happen. Esther and Scott came up for a visit and we all went and interviewed a clinic. It went amazing! The doctor that we met with seemed very knowledgeable and was incredibly nice. The four of us were in agreement that he seemed like a winner! Everyone there seemed very nice too. Always a plus to deal with friendly people. We have started the process with them, beginning paper work and what not. I have been acclimating myself to what this process will be like in a few months (the shots, the hormone patches, more shots, ultrasounds, blood tests, and did I mention shots?). Everything has to be precise and perfect so I am studying up now so that when the time comes I am more prepared.

But right now, we aren't there yet. Right now we are at the expensive step. Well lets be real, the whole thing is expensive! Right now we are on to the lawyers. Did you know that when a surrogate gives birth to a child who is in no way her own she has to give it up for adoption? Yep, they have to adopt their baby from the surrogate even though it is 100% their baby. Seems like just a way for lawyers to make some money to me, but hey. So right now we are at the lawyer step. We have both contacted and met with lawyers, but this step may take some time. Once the lawyers draw up a contract and we all agree on it and sign it this whole big game can get started!

Did you hear me.... basically one more step and this ball is ROLLING folks. ROLLING! I am so excited!

So this is where we are. Are you as excited as I am???? Well even if you aren't can you please pray for us? We would all really appreciate it!

Life

Life

has

been

super

BUSY!

I am so ready for June! I desperately need a little less chaos in my life! Let me sum up what has been going on these days...

The kids had birthdays and parties (never again will I plan 2 parties 9 days apart!) 

Our 5 year wedding anniversary

Mothers day

We got in a little wreck on the way to small group (everyone is fine, but we have been without our van for going on 3 weeks now) 

Esther and Scott came for a visit (more on that later!)

Oh yeah, and HEATHER HAD THE BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, she is here! Elizabeth (Ella) Ruth graced the world with her presence on May 15th at 12:41 pm. And can I just say she is AWESOME!!! I love her so much and am blown away with God right now! So I have been taking pictures, kissing and hugging.... living it up!!!!! Ugh! Anyway, I will be sure to post pictures of her soon, but I want Heather to get to post about her first. 

So please excuse my lack of commenting... I am lurking in the shadows until things calm down around here.

Repetitive

 I pick up lots of toys throughout the day. No big deal, it's my job. But this particular mess drives me nuts. I pick it up at least 20 times a day. I kid you not,

Can you guess why? Because the basket that all the food lives in makes a perfect stool for a certain short little guy I know.

Buddy boy, get use to stools, cause it sure is looking like you are gonna be a shorty like your mommy. Sorry dude. I'm just praying you hit 5 feet. Lord please just let him get past 5 feet!



Anyone else worried he is gonna have major little man syndrome? sigh.

And Then She Was 4....

 

 I had an amazing pregnancy with Lula Mae. Other than some preterm contractions and delivering at 36 weeks, everything was perfect. Even being born 4 weeks early our little girl was healthy. 6 lbs 3 oz and as precious as could be, we were smitten.

 

 I loved every moment of her babyhood. She was an easy baby. Her biggest problem was needing to be on a rigid schedule. I liked the schedule, don't get me wrong, but this girl wanted everything to be the same... every.single.day. Don't even think about messing it up by half an hour! OCD from day one folks, I kid you not!

 Her first 6 months were good. She was cute as a button and such a happy girl. Although she still had peach fuzz for hair.... no bows for this girl yet!

At a year she was bubbly and talkative. She was always laughing and smiling. She was so content to just sit and play. So content! By this time she was already reading so many words and was so into learning new ones!

By 18 months she finally decided to walk.  Her hair was growing... and as it grew those curls started showing! She loved being outside and would talk your head off if you let her. She had started reading sentences at this point.

 

At two she became a big sister. He curls we getting longer and more precious! She was a sweet little girl and yet so sassy. Tiny and talkative still. 

 As she neared 3 we saw so much change in her. Lots of personality and independence came spilling out of her tiny body.

 At 3 we hit a wall. Don't let that sweet face fool you, she was quite a wild one. She started learning how to be a person and that my friends got ugly. She started throwing fits and tantrums like you would not believe. We figured it would not be long and we would be out off the woods and start seeing our sweet little girl again. 

We were wrong! The second half of her 3rd year was terrible. We struggled day in and day out with this little curly headed thing. I won't lie, there were times where I thought she must be the spawn of satan! She made everything from eating to going to the store difficult. She was harder at 3 and a half than any other stage and Charlie and I both were being worn down. Our little curly headed girl is one of the strongest willed children I have ever seen, and I know God will use her mightily someday! 

And now she is 4. No longer a baby, or even a toddler.... a little kid. A kid with spunk and personality that I cannot do justice writing about. She is a one of a kind and I am so blessed to call her my daughter! She is so smart that it is scary sometimes. She has all the books of the old Testament memorized and knows roughly 30 bible verses and 29 Catechisms. She adores church and everyone there. She loves worship music and has a new love for dancing. She would live outside if it were up to her. She loves Veggie Tales and would spend all day in front of a TV if we would allow it. She never meets a stranger. She is quite a big helper, but you have to ask for it... she is not one to just jump in there. We are still working on having a servants heart ;-) She can blow your mind with her deep thoughts and conversations. The more I look at her the more I fill with pride. I am so proud of her in so many ways. She started out so tiny and seems so big now. God is working hard on her and I adore seeing the process. This year was our toughest yet with Lula Mae but Charlie and I are both still standing and we won't give up on this precious little girl!

Happy birthday Lula Mae Bell. I love you so much!